


time heals (no) wounds

by SlytherclawSith



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Age Difference, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Friends, Cunnilingus, Dream Sex, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Feral Rey, Force Bond (Star Wars), Heartbreak, Kissing, Light Bondage, Lightsaber Battles, Loss of Virginity, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Oral Sex, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Size Difference, Size Kink, Smut, Smut in chapter 8, Snoke Being a Dick, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Virgin Kylo Ren, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), background Poe Dameron/Finn - Freeform, background stormpilot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:41:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23698678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherclawSith/pseuds/SlytherclawSith
Summary: "You still want to kill me.""That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask." she replied coldly.His gloved hands reached up to the mask, and for a moment it seemed as if he was going to remove it. But then his hands fell back down and that metal visage continued to stare at her impassively."No." he said. "It's something deeper that that.  I've looked into your mind.  You truly hate me, don't you?""Why?"Rey looked away.  He spoke the truth, and it shook her to the core.  It was a valid explanation for what she did next."Ben Solo." she whispered.Kylo Ren tilted his head, inviting her to continue."He was my best friend." Rey said.  "The kindest, most selfless person I've ever known.  The only person I've ever loved."When Rey spoke again, her voice was tight with fury.  "You killed him."Yes, it's another AU where Ben and Rey grew up at the Jedi Academy together.  But these two idiots will have to go through a whole lot of angst before they get their happy ending.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 179
Kudos: 302





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited to share my first multichapter fic with you! I've put an approximate chapter count, but that will definitely change later on.
> 
> This fic is set in the canon Star Wars universe. It roughly follows the timeline of the sequel movies, with some differences. I've left out some details that don't suit the story and I will probably forget things, but I have done some research so hopefully I won't make too many mistakes.
> 
> Warnings: Ben will have his dark moments just like in the movies, and there will be some violence. This fic is rated E, there will be very explicit sex scenes after the first few chapters (nothing underage). Please don't read if any of these themes trigger you.
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy!!!

One fateful night at Luke Skywalker's Jedi Temple, Ben Solo died.

And from the ashes of the boy who died betrayed and heartbroken, Kylo Ren rose.

He surveyed the ruins in front of him, breathing in the scent of smoke and death. Kylo felt a pang of guilt and pity for the students still inside. They were likely all dead. A whole generation of new Jedi.

Their deaths were not his fault. But he would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy watching the temple go up in flames, the last reminder of his past life's pain extinguished.

So Kylo savoured the sight, and prepared himself to leave it all behind. His Master was waiting for him.

His future, free of conflict, lay ahead. Or so he thought.

"Ben?" a familiar voice whispered.

He turned and saw Rey.

* * *

_He first met Rey when he was seventeen._

_She was seven years old, and an unholy menace._

_He'd been eating his dinner. Sitting by himself as usual. The other students were laughing and chatting together, but he preferred to eat in solitude. A brief respite from the voices that were always whispering in his head._

_Then he noticed her. The small child in robes that were slightly too big for her frail body, with coarse, tanned skin and hair in three messy buns. Ben had never seen her before, so he concluded that she must be one of the new younglings._

_Despite this, there was something familiar about this girl. As if they had met before._

_The girl in question plopped herself across from the table from him, and attacked her meal with an alarming ferocity. Ben watched her for a few seconds, torn between amusement and horror, then shrugged to himself and returned to his own food. For a few minutes, there was no sound at their table apart from the light scrapes of Ben's utensils against his plate and the girl's noisy chewing with her mouth open._

_Eventually, she finished her dinner and began eyeing the remains of his with obvious hunger. Ben felt pity rise in him. She was extremely skinny, and looked like she was used to not having enough to eat. So he slid his plate towards her with an inviting tilt of his head. Her eyes lit up and she grabbed the plate from him eagerly, digging in without a word of thanks._

_Ben chuckled to himself as she tried to bite into a piece of fruit, scowling at the sharp prickles on its skin. She kept trying to bite, wincing as the points drew blood and muttering to herself._

_Feeling sorry for her again, Ben reached for the fruit, intending to show her how to peel it. The girl snatched the fruit out of his grasp, let out an angry shout and bit him in the arm._

_Pain lanced through his arm, but Ben could do nothing but clutch at it and gape at the girl. She bared her teeth at him, clutching the fruit possessively. When she snarled and looked like she was going to bite him again, Ben caught her thin wrists in his hand._

_This only seemed to enrage her further. The girl dove onto Ben's lap, kicking and scratching and pulling at his hair. He tried to pull her off, but for her scrawny build she was surprisingly strong._

_Just when Ben had begun to contemplate using the Force on her, innocent youngling or not, they were interrupted by a loud clearing of the throat. The girl paused in her attacks and Ben looked up to see Luke Skywalker standing there, looking amused._

_"I see you've met Rey." his uncle said. "Rey, this is my nephew, Ben Solo."_

_Rey gave Ben a withering glance and looked unimpressed. Ben was surprised to find that it was a relief, meeting someone who didn't fawn over him after learning that he was the son of two war heroes. And technically, a prince._

_Even if Rey clearly hated him._

_"Uncle." Ben began. "Master Luke, we were just-"_

_"It's alright, Ben." Luke interrupted him. "It's nice to see some spirit in my students."_

_"However, please behave in the future. I have often found that animosity rather ruins one's appetite."_

_He bent down and tapped Rey on the nose rebukingly. Ben tensed, expecting Rey to bite off his finger or something equally violent, but to his surprise Rey just giggled and scrunched up her nose at the contact._

_"Get to know each other." Luke suggested. "Who knows, maybe one day you'll be master and padawan."_

_Rey's sour expression told him just how much she was fond of that idea._

_With a wink, Ben's uncle strolled away, leaving Ben and Rey alone. As soon as Luke's back was turned, Rey poked her tongue out at Ben before promptly disappearing under the table. The tablecloth was pulled down with a vicious yank._

_Ben sighed. After a moment, he ducked under the table, wincing as his head collided with the hard wood._

_Rey seemed impossibly small, curled into ball against one of the table legs. When she saw Ben, she scooted away and made several hissing noises._

_"Hey." Ben said softly. "It's alright. I'm not going to hurt you."_

_She continued to eye him warily but didn't attack him again, which was a good sign._

_"Where are you from?" Ben asked._

_"Nowhere." came the abrupt reply. This was the first time Ben had heard her voice. It was quiet, childish, but like the rest of her, it seemed familiar somehow._

_"No one's from nowhere." replied Ben._

_"Jakku." she shot back._

_"All right, that is pretty much nowhere." he conceded._

_Ben grinned at her, and she seemed taken aback. Slowly, a tentative smile began to form at the edges of her lips._

_"Do you want to come out from under the table now?" Ben asked. The growing smile was replaced with a definite scowl._

_"No." she said stubbornly. Then she sniffed in disdain and added "Fruit thief."_

_"I didn't steal your fruit." Ben groaned exasperatedly. "I was trying to help you peel it. Besides, I gave it to you in the first place. Why would I try to steal my own fruit?"_

_Rey looked skeptical. Her stomach growled suddenly, the loud noise startling in the quiet space. Ben was reminded of how tiny she was, and how fast she had devoured her meal._

_"Things must have been pretty rough on Jakku." he said softly._

_Rey lifted her chin. "I've got to go back there soon." she said. "My parents are coming back for me. I know they will."_

_The poor kid. Her parents were probably dead. Even if they weren't, they'd left her in that horrible place. Alone._

_Ben felt rage rise up in him on Rey's behalf, but kept his expression neutral. He didn't want to scare her._

_"If you say so." he replied. "But while you're here, wouldn't you like to learn some cool tricks?"_

_Ben narrowed his eyes in concentration, and with a lift of his hand, Rey rose into the air. She levitated a few inches off the ground, the top of her head brushing the underside of the table._

_Rey squealed with glee and clapped her hands. She was adorable when she smiled fully, her cheeks dimpled and hazel eyes bright._

_"Will you teach me?" she asked with wide eyes. Ben knew what she was really asking._

_Will you stay? Will you never leave me behind?_

_"Yes." he said. "I promise."_

* * *

_So began their friendship. Six golden years of laughter, adventures, learning and on both sides, a great deal of sulking after they argued._

_Ben was aware that it looked strange to outsiders. There was a ten year age gap between them, and there were several things wrong with an innocent young girl hanging out with an almost grown man._

_There were whispers, often cruel, between the other students at the temple. Ben ignored them all. None of the others had really understood him anyway._

_He never thought of Rey in a romantic way, doing so would have probably made him physically sick. They were just Ben and Rey._

_Rey seemed oblivious to any scrutiny, always following Ben around, begging him to show her more tricks or sneak her food or simply let her hang around and play quietly while he studied._

_When he was with Rey, he always felt like himself. No voices plagued him, he didn't feel any inexplicable outbursts of anger and hatred during his training. Ben was getting better._

_But nothing lasted forever._

* * *

_"Ben."_

_He groaned incoherently. Fragments of his last nightmare rushed into his mind, screams and the hiss of a lightsaber slashing into flesh. Mysterious voices, beckoning him, pulling him towards the dark._

_"Beeeeeeeeen."_

_The childish whine pulled him out of his half asleep state. Ben bolted upright at the feel of a warm weight on top of his leg._

_It was Rey._

_"I can't sleep." she whispered, pouting. Rey sometimes crawled into his hut like this, completely disregarding rules, prodding at him and pleading for him to tell her more stories. Ben would find her curled up at the foot of his bedroll in the morning, fast asleep.._

_Ben was exhausted from the previous day's training, but he relished the chance to spend some time with Rey. To banish the dark thoughts that still lingered in the back of his mind._

_"All right, then." he said, getting up. "Come with me."_

_They walked together, Rey skipping energetically and collecting the wildflowers that grew against the long grass. Ben led her through a grove of trees until they reached a meadow._

_Rey looked around in wonder. "I didn't know this was here." she said._

_She dropped her bundle of flowers and raced into the meadow, spinning in circles with her arms out. Ben laughed and ran after her. Rey shrieked as he chased her around._

_Eventually, they both dropped to the ground in exhaustion. Above them, the night sky glimmered, an inky black tapestry dotted with stars._

_"This is what I really wanted to show you." said Ben, pointing at the sky._

_"Are you going to tell me all the names of the constellations?" asked Rey, grimacing. Ben suspected that would really put her to sleep._

_"No." he replied. "They were all named by boring old men anyway."_

_"Pick a group of stars, and see what they look like. Make your own constellations."_

_Rey squinted at the sky again. "Well, those ones kind of look like a lightsaber. Except for the hilt."_

_She giggled. "And that looks like the fruit I ate on the first night I came here. The one you tried to steal."_

_"I didn't-" protested Ben, but he couldn't help but grin like an idiot._

_"See?" he said. "Sometimes, you have to start over. Make something new for yourself."_

_"It might even be better than what you had before."_

_Rey met his eyes. She knew he was talking about more that the stars._

_"Like a family." Rey said quietly. She leaned against his shoulder and looked back up at the sky with small smile on her face._

_Ben wasn't looking at the stars, however. He was looking at her._

_His Rey of light._

* * *

"What happened?" whispered Rey.

She was trembling and covered in soot, but she didn't seem to be injured. Kylo felt relief wash over him.

Ben Solo was dead, but his need to protect her was still present.

He still loved Rey, no matter what.

Tears had begun to slide down Rey's round cheeks. Almost on instinct, Kylo reached out to wipe them away.

"Where's Master Skywalker?" she asked.

Kylo swallowed. He thought of a thousand things he could say to her, the truth being one of them.

_I killed him._

But then he looked into her eyes. Rey was gazing at him with trust, her eyes wide with innocence. She had no idea of what her best friend had become.

He had to protect her. Even from himself.

"He's.. gone, Rey. He was killed." said Kylo, as gently as he could.

Rey began to cry in earnest, her tiny body shuddering with the force of her sobs. Kylo brushed his fingers against her cheeks again, trying to sooth her with slow motions across her soft skin.

"What about everyone else?" she choked out.

Kylo didn't have to reply this time. Rey looked into his eyes and when her hazel eyes brimmed with fresh tears, he knew she realised that they had met the same fate.

"How did you survive?" asked Kylo urgently.

"I couldn't sleep." whispered Rey. "So I went to go look at the stars like you showed me."

"I fell asleep in the meadow. And when I woke up..." she trailed off, lips quivering as she turned back towards the flames. Kylo gently grasped her chin, forcing her to look back at him, not wanting her to see that place of horror and death.

 _I almost lost you,_ he realised.

He didn't know what he would have done if he had.

He wanted to take Rey with him. He knew a piece of him would die every day that he was away from her.

But he couldn't.

Kylo was selfish, a monster. But he couldn't bear to see her light ripped away, for the dark side to twist her goodness like it had done to him.

He must leave her behind. Perhaps forever. It was the only way to protect her.

Kylo ran his eyes over her innocent face, memorising every feature. He never wanted to forget her.

"Rey." he said. "I have to go somewhere."

Rey looked at him with confusion. "Are you going to get help?" she asked.

Kylo swallowed. "Yes." he said. "But I might not be back for a while. A very long time."

Her face crumpled. "Don't leave me here." Rey begged. "I'm scared, Ben. Please don't leave me."

Kylo felt a physical pain in his chest, squeezing his heart. But he ignored the sensation and reminded himself that he had to do this.

"I'm sorry, Rey. I have to."

Her face was flooded with tears again, and she wailed as if her heart was being torn from her chest. Kylo felt the same.

He took her into his arms, trying to sooth her. Even as a teenager, she was so small. But she fit perfectly into his arms.

Rey pounded at his chest with her fists and refused to stop crying. "You're leaving me." she sobbed accusingly. "Just like my parents."

Kylo felt his eyes growing moist, but he pressed his face into Rey's slight shoulder so she wouldn't see.

"I'll come back for you, sweetheart." Kylo said. "I promise."

He repeated those words under his breath over and over again, trying to convince himself as well as Rey. This wouldn't be the last time they saw each other. It couldn't be.

Still locked in a tight embrace, they both looked up at the ruins of the Jedi Temple. Kylo saw the vicious flames reflected in Rey's eyes.

"Who did this?" she whispered.

This time, Kylo told her the truth.

"A monster."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In canon, there were bunch of students other than Kylo that survived the burning of the Jedi Temple, but I decided to leave that part out since it didn't fit the story.
> 
> Kudos much appreciated, and I always reply to your lovely comments :)
> 
> I've working on next chapter, so hopefully I'll update soon.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](https://slytherclawsith.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your amazing response to the last chapter. Please consider leaving another comment, it really does motivate me to write faster :)
> 
> In this chapter, things become QUITE different from canon. It didn't really make sense for Rey to go back to Jakku, so I changed it. There are various other differences in this chapter that are pretty self explanatory. Let me know if anything is confusing or doesn't make sense.
> 
> Hope you like this chapter!

_Rey waited for him all night._

_She sat there in the cold, shivering and miserable, but she refused to give up. Ben had promised that he would come back. He never broke his promises._

_But she was so tired. So she allowed her eyes to close._

Just for a few minutes, _she told herself._ Ben will be back soon _._

_When Rey woke up, she was being shaken gently by someone. Her heart leaped. Ben had come back, just like he’d said would._

_“Ben.” she said groggily. But when she blinked a few times and the world came into focus, she realised it was someone else._

_A woman with a kind face, probably a lot older than Rey, but very beautiful. Her hair was pulled into a fancy, complicated hairstyle, resembling the braids Rey sometimes begged Ben to put in her own hair. He grumbled a lot but always obliged._

_“Oh. Sorry.” said Rey, feeling slightly embarrassed._

_The woman was scanning Rey’s face with an interested gleam in her eyes, but she managed a warm smile._

_“Hello, dear. My name is Leia Organa.”_

_“I’m Rey.” she replied dazedly. “Did you say Organa? Like-”_

_“Yes.” Leia said. “Ben is my son.”_

Ah, _thought Rey._ That explains it. She must be worried about Ben.

_“Don’t worry.” said Rey. “I’m sure Ben will be back soon.”_

_A crease wrinkled Leia’s forehead. “But he’s-” she started, then stopped._

_“Rey. How much do you know of what happened here?”_

_“Someone burned the temple down.” stated Rey. “A monster, Ben said. Master Luke and all the other students are dead.”_

_Rey tried very hard not to let any tears fall at the last sentence. She didn’t want a stranger to see her cry._

_“I was out in the meadow, so that’s why I’m still alive. Ben went to get help. Like I said, he’ll be back soon.”_

_Leia just looked at her, and Rey saw that her hands were shaking._

_“Ben’s my best friend.” she went on, hoping to calm Leia with her babbling. “He showed me the meadow. He says one day, if I’m very good and train very hard, I can be his padawan. And then he’ll braid my hair. Like yours.”_

_She looked at Leia’s magnificent hair wistfully. Meanwhile, Leia’s lips trembled violently._

_She reached for Rey, folding the smaller girl in her arms and stroking her spine in a soothing manner._

_Rey squirmed, not very fond of physical contact with anyone other than Ben, but leaned in all the same. It was nice to have a warm and comforting presence after the night she’d had._

_“Rey.” whispered Leia. She opened and closed her mouth again, hesitating as if trying to choose the right words to say._

_“Ben’s dead.”_

_Rey’s whole body went cold. She staggered and squeezed her eyes shut as panic flooded her systems. No. It couldn’t be true._

_“No.” she said politely, though her voice shook. “You must be mistaken.”_

_“He said he was coming back for me.”_

_“I’m sorry, dear. Ben’s gone. He’s not coming back.”_

_“But he promised!” cried Rey, her voice rising. She repeated the words over and over, until they felt tasteless and bitter on her tongue. Distantly, she heard a voice screaming like it was being tortured._

_Rey realised, as hot tears fell down her cheeks, that the voice was hers._

* * *

_Leia held her for what felt like hours._

_When her tears had finally dried and her throat was sore from crying out, Rey found the courage to speak._

_“How?” she asked._

_Leia knew exactly what she was referring to. “He was killed.” she answered. “By a powerful Force user.”_

_“Tell me their name.” said Rey, clenching her teeth._

_“Rey, I don’t know if I-”_

_“Please, Leia.” begged Rey._

_“Kylo Ren.”_

_The name of the monster that had taken everything from her._

_Rey pressed her face into Leia’s shoulder again, but her fists were clenched. Sooner or later, she would have her revenge._

_She would be patient._

_She would wait._

_But she would never forget._

* * *

Six years later, she still remembered. And then her life changed again.

She had been standing near the bar, back against the wall, eyes on the crowd. As usual. She didn't like to interact with the other patrons of Maz's castle, due to their unsavoury and lecherous natures. Nevertheless, that were fascinating to watch.

Rey suppressed a grin as she watched Maz mingle with her customers, the life of the party as always. Rey had grown fond of the older woman's overbearing yet generous nature. She owed Maz an unpayable debt.

After Luke's temple had fallen, it was deemed unsafe for her to go back to Jakku. Rey had been overjoyed to discover that Luke himself was still alive, but she had never seen him again. Apparently, he was holed up on some island far away, in a self imposed exile of sorts.

Leia had offered to take her in. But as kind as she was, Rey couldn't live with Ben's family. To be reminded, every day, of what she had lost. The pain would have been too great.

So eventually, she was sent to Maz Kanata. Probably not the most appropriate place for a young girl, but Maz was kind and she owned a practically unbreachable fortress. Rey was given cramped but comfortable quarters and the freedom to explore the castle's winding hallways and surrounding forest.

But in some ways, Rey returned to the life she'd had before living at Luke's temple. Before Ben.

She often did work for some of the Maz's customers, repairing their speeders for a few credits. Other times, she collected the discarded parts that were often left behind when guests departed in a hurry.

Rey still scarfed down every meal in a matter of seconds. She preferred simple linen tunics, tights and arm wraps to the more flashy attire of the others at the castle. Her hair was constantly pulled back into three buns, the only hairstyle she'd ever learned. She carried her trusty staff everywhere and her hands were permanently stained with grease.

Once a scavenger, always a scavenger. 

"Han Solo!" Maz yelled, pulling Rey from her thoughts. The name _Solo_ reverberated in her head, and she frantically searched the crowd for Maz's orange head.

Rey found her talking to three men. A cute orange and white droid was rolling under the table, beeping occasionally. 

Two of the men were young, a little older than Rey, and rather handsome. The third man was older. His eyes, lined with wrinkles, seemed familiar.

They were Ben's eyes.

Rey pushed through the crowd, ignoring the angry shouts and insults she received. She wanted to run to the man, demand to know who he was and what he was doing here, but she held back and concealed herself behind a nearby column.

The droid saw her and beeped inquisitively. Rey pressed a finger to her lips. The droid beeped again and nudged against her leg, bust stayed quiet.

"There is no fight against the First Order! Not one we can win." one of the younger men was saying. He had smooth, dark skin that was currently dotted with sweat.

"Look around. There's no chance we haven't been recognized already. I bet you the First Order is on their way right-"

He broke off as the one of the other men placed a hand on his arm. A blush formed on his cheeks and the tips of his ears.

"Calm down, Finn." the other man said. "Panicking isn't going to help any of us."

They continued talking, but their words fell away. Rey stared blindly at the floor in front of her, blood boiling with rage.

The First Order. As in, the army of tyrants that ruled over planets and killed anyone that opposed them. They were led by the mysterious Supreme Leader, but the his enforcer was said to be equally ruthless and bloodthirsty.

His name was Kylo Ren.

Rey was furious, but at the moment she saw with absolute clarity. She knew what she needed to do. 

Rey stepped out from behind the column and marched up to their table. Finn leaped out of his chair, looking immensely guilty.

"Can we help you?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yes, you can." replied Rey. "If you're planning an attack against the First Order, I want in."

"Ha, ha." laughed Finn nervously. "I don't know where you got that idea from, but we're not-"

"What's your name?" interrupted the other man who had calmed down Finn before. He looked calm and collected, with unruly waves and a charming grin.

"Rey."

"Listen, Rey. I don't want to sound rude, but the Resistance is looking for real pilots and fighters for our cause. So if you have half a brain you'll turn around and-"

He was cut off as Rey pulled her staff from its place on her back and brought it down in a lightning fast arc, stopping at a point just between his legs. Then she lifted it and placed its end at his throat.

She cocked an eyebrow. No one spoke for a while. 

"Wow. Okay." he said, clearing his throat. "Is it too late to say I'm sorry, and that we would very much like your help?"

"Seems like you need it." replied Rey.

"Great!" he said, cheerful again. "I'm Poe. This is Finn and Han."

Finn waved with a sheepish smile. Poe gestured at the older man, who had remained silent for the whole exchange. Han gave Rey a wry smile.

"Hey, kid." he said. "Never thought I'd meet you like this."

"You know who I am?" asked Rey, confused.

"Well, of course. Leia told me about you, and I knew Maz here had taken you in. I'm sorry we couldn't meet earlier."

Rey nodded. "So, are you going to tell me about this plan of yours?"

"How do we know we can trust you?" asked Finn suspiciously.

"Do you think I would look like this if I was on the First Order payroll?" replied Rey, gesturing to her clothes.

Then she sighed. "The First Order took everything from me. I want to watch them burn." 

Rey felt Han's eyes on her face. She refused to meet his gaze.

Finn looked slightly mollified. Poe beckoned Rey closer.

"This is BB-8." he said, pointing to the droid. It beeped in greeting.

"He's carrying a section of a map."

'To what?" asked Rey.

"Luke Skywalker. He's-"

"I know." said Rey. "I studied under him once."

Finn and Poe looked amazed, but Han just sighed.

"Listen, Ben-" he said.

A series of explosions sounded from outside the castle walls. And then the screaming began.

"The First Order." breathed Finn. They stood up. Poe looked at Rey urgently.

"Are you ready to come with us?" he asked. "This is a pretty serious decision."

Rey opened her mouth, then looked at Maz. The older woman nodded at her gravely with sad eyes.

"Yes." Rey said.

"Get outside, fast as you can. Find us. We're in the big grey ship." 

"BB-8? Where's BB-8?" Poe yelled. The droid was nowhere to be seen.

Poe swore. "I need to find him."

"Just go." said Rey. "I'll find him. I know my way around Takadona."

Poe looked into her eyes. "You promise?"

"I promise."

Poe grabbed Finn's hand and without further ado, they ran out.

Han lingered. "Leia told me you were a great kid. Guess she was right." he said, grinning. Rey smiled back.

He handed her a blaster. "Take this. You'll need it."

The unexpected kindness of the gesture made Rey smile again. She took it and Han left with another roguish grin. Rey turned to Maz.

"My child." said Maz sorrowfully. "I have something for you."

She held out a cylindrical object wrapped in cloth. Rey made to open it, but Maz clasped her hands.

"You'll know when to open it. When the time is right."

Rey felt a tear slip down her cheek as she looked at the woman who taken care of her for the past six years. She bent down to place a light kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

"Goodbye, Maz." she whispered.

And Rey departed from this chapter of her life.

* * *

Outside, there was chaos.

Stormtroopers everywhere, firing with blasters. Explosions and ships roaring overhead. The occasional thud of a dead body hitting the ground.

BB-8 had been captured by a group of very unsavoury looking aliens. Luckily, they were also very unintelligent, and Rey managed to retrieve the droid without a scratch.

"Let's go!" she said, urging the droid to follow. It rolled behind her as they ran through the forest.

A pair of stormtroopers spotted them. Rey held them off with a few shots of her blaster, but they were coming under heavy fire.

"Go to the ship. Find Poe. I'll see you there." said Rey to BB-8. It beeped and didn't move.

"Go!" ordered Rey, and finally the droid rolled away.

Rey ran, firing random shots behind her, not knowing if they hit their target. She came to a dark part of the forest, where she became aware of how alone and frightened she truly was.

A dark figure appeared. Hooded, with a fearsome metal mask and a crackling red lightsaber.

Kylo Ren.

Rey fired several more shots at him. He deflected them with his lightsaber. Rey wanted to use the Force against him, but it had been years since she'd last used her powers. She didn't even know if she could anymore.

Ren lifted his hand, and suddenly Rey was frozen in place, unable to move. She wanted to scream at him, call him out for the murderer he truly was, but she could not even do that. All Rey could do was watch as the masked monster drew nearer.

"I've been waiting for so long." he murmured. "Finally, you're here."

Rey didn't understand. _What?_

Tenderly, like a lover, Ren ran his gloved hand along her arm. The touch was like electric sparks through her veins. Rey didn't understand any of it.

She tried to speak. Ren's hand reached her face and brushed against her cheek. "You've seen the droid." he realised.

Rey continued to struggle, sweat beading at her forehead. Ren made a disapproving noise. "The hard way, then." he said. With a touch to her forehead, Rey fell.

Into his arms.

Into sweet oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The changes I've made might seem annoying, but I had my reasons: a) It didn't really make sense for Rey to just go back to Jakku b) Stormpilot development c) I would have to write even more chapters before the smut. No one wants that.
> 
> Don't worry, there will be way more Kylo in the next chapter. Coming soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, no smut yet. I know we all want them to bang, but I have to maintain some semblance of a plot and character development. I promise it won't take too long! I don't have enough patience for a slow burn.
> 
> Warnings: Very mild dubcon at the end of the chapter. It is made pretty clear that Rey wants it and is actively encouraging Kylo's actions, but due to her being restrained it could be interpreted as dubcon. Mild sexual content, but nothing too explicit yet. Kylo also uses some threatening language throughout this chapter. Mild self harm when Rey tries to escape from her retsraints.
> 
> This was my favourite chapter to write so far. I hope you like it as well!

Rey awoke gasping.

Looking down, she found herself in a long metal chair, bound by restraints at her feet and arms. She struggled against them for a few moments before realising it was futile.

She was trapped.

Then she looked up. Ren crouched nearby, gazing straight at her. Had he been watching her while she was unconscious? Something fluttered in Rey's stomach at the thought.

His hood was down, but his face was still hidden by that hideous black mask he wore. Every line of him was painted in shades of black, like a dark beast emerging from the night.

"Where am I?" she asked. Her voice rang out in the otherwise silent room.

"You're my guest." he replied. Rey hadn't noticed the depth of his voice in the forest. It was low and raspy, modulated by the mask.

"Where are the others?" asked Rey.

"You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call friends? You'll be relieved to hear that I have no idea."

Rey opened her mouth, about to clarify that they were in fact, not her friends. Then she realised how absurd that would be.

She had become used to never needing anybody. Both during her childhood in Jakku, and her time in Maz's castle. She had remained closed off during the years, only opening up to Maz on very rare occasions.

Once you cared about someone, or even worse, loved them, you allowed them to break your heart. It only hurt even more when you inevitably lost them.

Like Ben.

She barely knew Finn and Poe. But they had seemed like good, kind people. Rey realised she _was_ relieved that they had escaped Takadona, and hoped that they were safely on their way to the Resistance.

Han as well. Rey couldn't save Ben. But perhaps she could save his father. Which meant she couldn't give anything away, not their location or their mission. Rey would have to endure brutal torture, both mental and physical.

She knew she could do it. Rey had already experienced the most excruciating pain possible.

She had lost Ben. 

Rey braced herself. But then Kylo Ren spoke again.

"You still want to kill me."

"That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask." she replied coldly.

His gloved hands reached up to the mask, and for a moment it seemed as if he was going to remove it. But then his hands fell back down and that metal visage continued to stare at her impassively as he rose to his full height.

"No." he said. "It's something deeper that that. I've looked into your mind. You truly hate me, don't you?"

"Why?"

Rey looked away. He spoke the truth, and it shook her to the core. It was a valid explanation for what she did next.

"Ben Solo." she whispered.

Kylo Ren tilted his head, inviting her to continue.

Rey shouldn't have. She should have kept her mouth shut. She didn't owe this monster anything. But the words spilled out of her mouth of their own accord. Perhaps by keeping silent for so long, her grief had built up and now overflowed.

"He was my best friend." Rey said. "The kindest, most selfless person I've ever known. The only person I've ever loved."

Rey paused and blinked back her tears. She couldn't afford to show any signs of vulnerability.

"We were both students at Luke Skywalker's temple. I thought that one day he would be my master, and we would spend the rest of our lives together."

"But..." she trailed off, unable to say the words aloud. 

"I killed him." Ren said. The distorted voice was devoid of any emotion.

When Rey spoke again, her voice was tight with fury. "Yes. You killed him."

Again, Ren had no reaction to her words. This infuriated Rey. She hated him, how he remained so cold and indifferent after he had manipulated her into telling him her deepest secrets.

Rey imagined him facing Ben like this, before bringing down his lightsaber in a terrible and swift arc. That expressionless mask would have been the last sight Ben ever saw.

Something broke in Rey. She struggled against her bonds with renewed vigour, screaming and clawing at them. When they would not yield, she continued to thrash, raking her nails against her own skin until blood welled.

"You're a murderer." Rey spat. "A terrible, evil, heartless, cruel _monster_ -"

She paused in her insults. Ren was reaching up to his mask again, gloved hands gripping the sides. He pressed a button at the back, followed by a soft hissing noise.

He removed the mask, revealing his face. Rey was unable to do anything but stare, to continue gazing at him as her world fell apart.

Ben Solo looked back at her.

"Hello, sweetheart."

* * *

Rey had imagined a moment like this countless times as a child. Ben miraculously escaping death and coming to find her, whisking her off on an exciting adventure. Sometimes she dreamt it, and would sob uncontrollably when she woke up alone. As she grew older and wiser, she had given up on it ever coming true.

It was happening now. And it felt more like a nightmare than a dream.

The worst part was that Ben was... beautiful.

Rey had never paid attention to the physical aspects of Ben when she was younger. She had noticed some of the older girls at the temple giggling and batting their eyelashes whenever they saw him, but she had dismissed it as general idiocy.

She knew Ben's face well. She saw it every time she closed her eyelids, the pale face, prominent nose and thick black hair. And her favourite feature, the overly large ears he hated so much.

Ben was different now. His features were still slightly irregular, but strangely elegant in their disharmony. His hair had grown, luscious and wavy, almost down to his shoulders so that they hid his ears. His shoulders were wide, his arms corded with muscle. He was a man.

His eyes were the same, a compelling shade of deep brown, almost black. But now, they glittered with malice.

Rey took all this in with a dazed expression on her face. A part of her wanted to cry, but an even bigger part of her was furious.

"You-" gasped Rey. "You _liar._ "

"I was expecting a far more heartfelt reaction." replied Ren, no, _Ben_. A smirk played on his full lips. 

"Is that any way to speak to your best friend? The only person you've ever loved?"

He was using Rey's own words against her. The cruelty of his mockery pierced her heart like a knife, causing her to lash out.

"Well, as it turns out, my best friend abandoned me after promising to come back for me. He allowed me to think he was dead for the past six years, while he destroyed planets and murdered innocent people."

Angry tears were falling down Rey's cheeks. She brushed them away impatiently. Ben opened his mouth, but Rey wasn't finished.

"Then he attacked my home and kidnapped me, presumably to get information out of me. And now he's revealed who he really is, just to torture me. As if I haven't been in pain for the past six years!" she said, the last few words an inhuman screech.

"I never intended to torture you." Ben said quietly. "I just want to talk."

"About what? How you abandoned me, exactly like you promised you never would?" demanded Rey angrily.

"I didn't abandon you." seethed Ben, sounding angry as well. "I left you because I had no other choice. I did it to protect you!"

“And look at how well that worked out.” said Rey, eyes burning.

Her voice broke. "You promised, Ben. You said you'd come back for me."

The tears fell again, and this time she made no move to stop them.

"I'm sorry." said Ben softly. "I looked for you. I never forgot about you, I swear."

His voice grew bitter. “My mother hid you well. I never thought to look with Maz. You should have never had to grow up there.”

Leia. One of the only people Rey had ever trusted, and she too had been lying to her. 

Was there anyone who really cared about her?

“Like you care.” Rey snapped. She didn't know what to believe anymore.

“I do care. I’ve cared about you all these years. I wanted to find you so badly, but I never could. I almost lost hope. And then I heard about a feisty young girl with a Resistance droid on Takadona. I knew it was you.”

"I scared you in the forest." he said sorrowfully. "It caught me off balance, seeing you again. You're so different now, all grown up. You're... beautiful."

Ben gazed down the length of her body, taking in the spray of freckles on her tanned skin, her full lips and the curves of her body. Rey squirmed slightly, her cheeks heating.

He chuckled wryly. "My fierce scavenger. You've been so brave. But you don't have to fight for yourself anymore. I'll protect you." 

Rey wanted so badly to trust him. Her heart yearned for things to go back to the way they were. But her head whispered a warning, reminding of the long years spent alone, waiting desperately fro him to come back to her.

"I just need some information first, so the Supreme Leader will allow me to keep you safe here."

"Tell me about the droid, Rey." he said, his voice seductive and reassuring.

So that's what he wanted. Rey mustered a blank expression, refusing to let the sting of his betrayal shown on her face.

"He's a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator-"

Ben's lips pressed together, as if he was disappointed. He knew what she was doing.

"He's carrying a section of a navigational chart. A map. To Luke Skywalker." 

Rey said nothing.

"You don't owe him anything, Rey. He left you as well."

 _I didn't love him,_ thought Rey. _But I loved you._

"I need you to help me find him, Rey. You have to trust me."

"And if I don't give you what you want?" Rey asked carefully.

Ben's expression darkened. "Then I'll take it from you."

He leaned even closer, until she could feel the wisps of his breaths on her skin. Ben was even more captivating up close, his skin impossibly smooth and dotted with beauty marks.

"You know I can take whatever I want." he whispered. He looked like sin incarnate, cheeks flushed like blood on snow and dark eyes lingering on her lips.

Rey remained silent.

He sighed. "So stubborn." he murmured, and for a moment he sounded like himself again. Her Ben.

But the light in his eyes was gone in an instant, replaced by a look of intense concentration. Ben outstretched his hand, looking deep into her eyes. And Rey felt it, the push against her mind.

At first, it was gentle probes. Testing the strength of her barriers. Then he pushed past them, sifting through her mind while she thrashed in agony.

"I'm sorry." Ben said gently. He looked away, as if he didn't like to see her in pain. Rey ignored him. It was all a pretence.

"You're so lonely..." he said. "At night, desperate to sleep..."

Rey knew what he was looking at, the times she had thought of him and cried herself to sleep. Every time she looked for a comforting presence beside her, and he wasn't there.

"So you really did miss me." said Ben, sounding almost vulnerable. Then he found what he was looking for, locating it with a vicious precision.

"I know you've seen the map. It's in there... and now you'll give it to me." he stated.

Ret continued to struggle, twisting away from him as if she could shield her mind somehow. It was useless.

"Don't be afraid. I feel it to." he said softly, trying to reassure her. Rey was reminded of the old Ben, who comforted her when she made mistakes in her training or gave her his food when she was starving. The boy who took her to see the stars when she couldn't sleep.

In Ben's eyes, she was still that innocent scavenger from Jakku. He underestimated her. It would be his downfall.

"I'm not giving you anything." said Rey through gritted teeth. She reached into her own body and awoke the power that had been lying there, dormant for years.

It rushed out in a burst of energy. Suddenly, Rey could reach into Ben's mind, moving past his barriers with ease. It felt natural, like a piece of her was clicking into place. Rey saw everything.

"You... you're afraid." she realised. Ben staggered back, clutching his head.

"Of me." Ben grew even paler, but he looked at her steadily. 

"Yes." he replied. "You have this... power over me. I don't know how."

"What are you doing to me?"

He looked furious, and for a moment Rey feared what he might to do her. Ben stepped closer, until he was close enough to touch her. Rey swallowed.

Suddenly, he captured her lips in a kiss. Ben pressed his lips harshly against hers as his hands came up to trace over her cheeks and hair, smearing the remnants of her tears over her skin.

Rey stiffened in shock, but melted against him as his tongue plunged between her parted lips. She couldn't help but moan into the kiss. A haze entered Rey's mind, until she knew nothing but lust and the feel of Ben's plush lips against hers.

Rey couldn't describe Ben's kiss, but somehow it tasted sweet and comforting despite its fiery passion. Like home.

She bit his lips gently, enjoying the feel of her teeth sinking into the plush, red skin. Ben moaned, and something hard pressed against her thigh.

Heat pooled in her lower body when she realised what it was. Rey might be a virgin, but she was not completely ignorant in the ways of intimacy.

"You make me lose control." growled Ben, kissing her even harder. Every drag of his length against her skin caused more dampness to form between her thighs.

Rey was still restrained, but it gave her some kind of thrill. She was at his mercy, but she knew she had power over him. She had seen into his mind. And now, he wanted her.

Sadly, he pulled away. Rey made a noise of protest, which was abruptly cut away as Ben pressed his lips to her skin once more, just below her lips.

She threw her head back, eyes staring blindly at the ceiling as Ben drew a trail of scorching kisses down from her lips to her collarbone. He sucked and bit at the soft skin he found there, never quite reaching the collar of her shirt.

His hands explored the curves of her body, from her chest to her hips to her thighs. The leather of his gloves heightened the sensations, the material gliding over her sensitive skin.

"Please." Rey panted, not really knowing what she was pleading for.

Ben's gloved hand hovered over her right breast. "Do you want something, sweetheart?" he asked smugly. Kriff, Rey hated that smirk.

But she was too far gone. Lust and passion filled her systems, making her forget her anger and betrayal, even if just for while. Rey arched her back, pressing her breast firmly into Ben's palm. They both groaned at the contact.

Ben was breathing harshly. He met her eyes as he flicked a thumb over nipple, squeezing the mound as he teased the peak through her clothing. It shot a bolt of sensation straight to Rey's core, even without his skin against hers.

"Ben." moaned Rey.

The use of his real name caused a dark emotion to flicker over his face. Abruptly, he removed his hand and back away. His hair was tousled and cheeks were red, but his face hardened again.

They stared at each other in silence.

Ben clenched the hand that had just been touching her, and looked down at it. He stared at Rey in her restraints. She looked right into his eyes, conveying her desperation.

He ignored her wordless pleas.

Lips still swollen from her kisses, Ben left the room.

* * *

Ben had left her. Again.

But this time, Rey was not a helpless little girl. She had power. And she intended to use it.

It was Ben who had first taught her the Jedi mind trick. The irony of the situation, as she used it against the stormtrooper standing guard, was not lost on her.

As she got up from the chair, stretching her sore muscles, she felt something digging into her back. Maz's gift. She had tucked it into the back of her belt, concealed remarkably well by the folds of her clothing.

Rey knew what it was now. And who she must use it against, eventually.

She would not wait around for Ben to return this time. She had learned her lesson.

* * *

 _Don't look back,_ she told herself.

In the end, she could not help but glance over her shoulder. Even as she ran through the corridors, searching for a way to escape, she waited to see him again.

In a way, she did. 

Not only the shadow of a monster in a mask, but also the ghost of the innocent boy she had loved.

The boy she still loved.

But when she turned around, he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and kudos :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the huge delay - I've been busy with assignments and other stuff.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter are in the end notes, but they are potentially spoilery.

Heart pounding, Rey slipped from corridor to corridor, searching for a way out.

She heard the sounds of boots against the floor as a line of stormtroopers made their rounds. Rey darted into a doorway, holding her breath.

The footsteps grew closer. When she heard an intake of breath behind her, Rey swung around and brandished the rifle she had compelled the stormtrooper guarding her cell to give her.

She was met with the shocked face of Finn and the amused face of Han. They were accompanied by a Wookie, who tilted his furry head to the side when he saw Rey.

"Rey?" said Finn, sounding shocked. Surprisingly, he looked immensely glad to see her, a warm smile spreading across his face.

Rey felt a rush of affection for him. She barely knew Finn, and it hadn't actually been long since she'd last seen him, but she realised that she liked him and was incredibly relieved he was here.

"Are you alright?" asked Han. His eyes, trained directly on her, looked sad.

Rey's throat closed when she looked at him in turn, painfully reminded of Ben. She could only nod.

"What are you guys doing here? And what's with the Wookie?"

"This is Chewbacca, my co-pilot. Chewie, meet Rey." Chewie let out a friendly roar.

"The Resistance is launching an attack on Starkiller Base." said Han grimly.

"It's impossible. This place can't be destroyed." replied Rey.

"It can't, unless the shields are down." said Finn excitedly. "And the oscillator is destroyed to cripple the base and stop the weapon from firing."

"How are you going to manage that?"

"We've already done it. We've lowered the shields, and our pilots are attacking the oscillator as we speak."

"Where's Poe?" asked Rey, looking around.

"Out flying." Finn said, a longing expression crossing his face. _Interesting,_ Rey noted.

"Escape now. Catch up later." interrupted Han. "Let's go. We've got to set the detonators."

They split up, Finn and Rey heading to the upper levels while Han made his way to the lower levels. Rey felt an odd twinge when he turned his back, but she dismissed the feeling.

He would be fine.

They set the explosives. Finn shot Rey a triumphant smile, but it faded as they heard heavy footsteps on the catwalk below. Rey approached the railing and looked over.

What she saw made her breath catch.

Ben was walking towards his father. But he wasn't Ben, he was Kylo Ren, black cloak trailing behind him and that horrendous mask covering his face.

Fear settled into the pit of Rey's stomach, chilling and unnatural. But even as she watched him make his way towards Han, she remembered how it had felt to have his lips against hers, their bodies pressed together. How he had made her feel beautiful and wanted and _loved_.

"Ben!" called Han, his face tired but hopeful.

"Han Solo." said Ben. He sounded cold, impersonal, even as he looked into the face of his father.

"Take off that mask. You don't need it." said Han.

"What do you think you'll see if I do?"

"The face of my son."

Surprisingly, Ben acquiesced, and Rey saw his familiar features come into view. It had not been long since she'd last seen him, but his raw beauty took her breath away.

The pounding of Rey's heart was unbearably loud, so loud that she could no longer hear what they were saying. All she knew was the sadness and regret in Han's face and the terrible indifference of Ben's expression, as if he was still wearing a mask.

She could almost see the darkness gathered around him. Rey longed to call out to both Ben and Han, but she kept her silence.

"It's too late." Ben was saying.

"No, it's not." Han replied desperately. "Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you."

Ben's eyes narrowed, and he glanced up to where Rey was standing with Finn. As if he knew they had been there the whole time.

Instead of the seductive smirk she was expecting, Ben looked at her with beseeching eyes filled with tears. Almost as if he was... pleading with her.

"I'm being torn apart." he said to Han, though his eyes were still on hers. "I want to be free of this pain."

He turned back to Han. "I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it."

"Will you help me?"

Han looked relieved. "Yes. Anything."

Ben held out his lightsaber to Han. Rey began to smile. Everything would be alright. Ben would come home, she would finally have a family-

And then Ben ignited the lightsaber, the crimson blade impaling Han in the chest.

Rey was unable to do anything watch, as for the countless time that day her life was irrevocably changed.

"Thank you." said Kylo Ren. The cruelty in his voice made Rey flinch violently. 

Han staggered back, until finally his lifeless body fell off the catwalk into unknown depths. That was it. He was gone forever.

Chewie let out an anguished roar from the lower levels, and fired at Kylo, hitting him in the torso. He bent over in agony.

As he clutched his side, Kylo looked back up at Rey. His eyes were still pleading, as if begging for her forgiveness. Rey shook her head, overcome by grief and fury.

Kylo was a murderer. He had killed Han.

He had killed Ben.

* * *

Rey and Finn ran through the forest and snow. Rey furiously wiped tears from her face. If they could just get to the ship...

Then she heard the sound of a lightsaber igniting.

Kylo Ren appeared in the clearing, a nightmare in shades of black against the pure white snow.

"We're not done yet." he said.

"You're a monster!" Rey screamed. Hurt crossed Kylo's face, but it was gone in an instant.

"It's just us now." he said, the words of a lover twisted into his violent intentions.

Rey heard a noise behind her. Finn stepped forward, pointing his gun at Kylo, his finger pressed against the trigger. He made to fire, but the shot never came.

Finn was flung into a tree with a sickening crunch. He crumpled to the ground and did not move again.

"Finn!" cried Rey. She had already seen the death of a good person today. If Finn was gone too...

Fury ran through her veins. In response, she retrieved Maz's gift from the her belt, igniting the lightsaber so that her face was illuminated by its blue glow.

"Luke's lightsaber." Kylo breathed. His face hardened. "It belongs to me."

He yanked the lightsaber from her grasp with the force, extinguishing its light. Rey tried to call it back to her, but only succeeded in landing it in the snow near him.

"As do you."

Rey's jaw clenched at his audacity and arrogance. "I don't belong to anyone." she replied.

She outstretched her hand. Luke Skywalker's lightsaber flew past Kylo, into her waiting grasp. He gazed at her, utterly shocked.

She ignited it again, ran forward and attacked. Kylo met her every blow, blue and red light colliding.

For what felt like hours, all Rey knew was the hum and crackle of their swings. The red haze of rage, and the sorrowful yet determined look in his eyes.

Kylo was skilled, but Rey was powered by her fury. And there was something else, a feeling or voice inside her that told her when to strike, block or move away. Almost like an instinct.

They were evenly matched. Around them, the planet was collapsing. Large boulder and trees fell, creating chaos. Perhaps Poe and the Resistance had succeeded. 

Rey found peace in that thought. Han hadn't died for nothing. And neither would she.

As she was thinking, Kylo had backed her up against a cliff. Darkness loomed before her. He pressed his lightsaber viciously into hers, trapping her.

"You need a teacher." said Kylo, his gaze boring into hers. "I promised you that one day, you would be my apprentice."

"We can still have that life." 

He seemed to be trying to convince himself as well as her. But Rey knew better than to believe his lies.

She couldn't have that life anymore. Kylo had made sure of that. The only thing she could do now was to live on. Live to fight another day.

Rey closed her eyes, and reached out. The Force embraced her, grounding her, giving her a single minded focus. She knew what she needed to do. 

With a burst of strength, she pushed against his lightsaber, forcing him back. She began to swing and slash again, this time with determination and precision. The Force guided her every move.

Eventually, she slashed Kylo's leg. he fell to the ground, and Rey looked down at him. This monster who wore the face of her best friend.

Now, she was no longer calm. In her mind, she saw Han's look of betrayal as the lightsaber protruded from his chest, heard Ben whispering promises to come back for her.

"I hate you!" Rey screamed. Bringing the lightsaber down, she slashed Kylo across the face. Blood spilled, striking against his pale skin and the snow.

But it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough punishment for the boy she had loved, who clearly didn't love her and had just murdered his father.

So she hurled the most hurtful words she could think of at him. In a way, they were true.

"I wish you had died that day."

Kylo's face contorted again, the pain seeming even greater than when she had sliced his face.

For a moment, Rey wanted so badly to end it all. To stop the grief and pain and conflict. It would be so quick, just another slash in the right place. Relatively painless.

But she couldn't. That would make her just as bad as Kylo.

And Rey knew that even if she tried, she would never be able to bring the lightsaber down.

* * *

Kylo lay in the snow.

His side and face were throbbing and bleeding, but it was nothing compared to the ache in his chest. The pain in his heart.

What had he done?

He had done it for her. Which meant it was all for nothing. Rey hated him. She had left him for dead.

_I wish you had died that day._

_I wish that too,_ he thought. Before the darkness consumed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Canon character death (Han), slightly graphic violence, could be interpreted as possessive/toxic language from Kylo, (very briefly) contemplated murder, slight suicidal ideation at the very end.
> 
> If you're wondering, the reason I didn't include the whole dialogue of Han's death scene was becuase I'd just have been rewriting the lines with minor edits. That's boring and uncreative. Sorry if you didn't like it.
> 
> I toyed with the idea of letting Han live, but in the end I decided it was necessary to follow the canon events in that regard. I think Ben/Kylo needed this really dark moment, and Rey needed to realise that he's no longer the boy she knew. 
> 
> Kylo is most definitely not a good person, but he'll become Ben again by the end. Don't worry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IRL smut is not far away, my friends! In the meantime, enjoy this trashy and poorly written masturbation scene.

_You're just a boy in a mask._

Snoke's words echoes in Kylo's head as he sat in his quarters, staring at the wall and breathing shakily.

He's proved Snoke right, hadn't he?

He had sensed her on the ship. His mother. And he had known, in a moment of perfect clarity, that he couldn't fire at her.

Kylo though he had extinguished every trace of Ben Solo. He had left him behind in the flames of the Jedi Temple, and had buried the corpse forever when he had murdered his own father.

Or so he had thought.

Kylo had been unable to send his mother to the same fate. But it had happened anyway, and like a weak, innocent boy, he longed to know if she was safe.

And Rey. As long as she was alive, he could never truly be Kylo Ren. Monsters didn't feel love. But Ben Solo did.

Though he should have been thinking of more pressing matters, like Snoke and his mother and the Resistance, his mind wandered back to her. His Rey.

 _Not_ your _Rey_ , he reminded himself. She had made that very clear.

She was always there in his mind, her tanned and freckled skin, the wisps of her brown hair, the curve of her pouty lips. The way she had moaned sweetly under him and arched into his ministrations.

He groaned as memories and lewd visions filled his mind, his pulse racing and the fabric of his pants stretched taut by his erection. He reached down and took his hard length into his hand, hating what he was about to do, yet craving it all the same.

His mind took him back to the interrogation room, where they had first kissed. Where he had ran his hands over the supple curves of her body, drawing exquisite moans from her lips and dampness between her thighs.

Most importantly, Rey had looked at him in adoration. Almost as if she still loved him, despite the monster he had become.

But Rey had escaped not long afterwards. And the next time he had seen her, she was looking at him with hate and betrayal in her eyes.

Kylo closed his eyes, allowing himself to imagine what could have been...

* * *

_"You still want to kill me."_

_"That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask." she replied coldly._

_Kylo smirked from beneath the mask, even though he knew Rey couldn't see it._

_His gloved hands reached up to the mask and pressed the button at the back, pulling it from his head. Kylo gazed at Rey without the barrier of his mask, taking in her lovely features and startled expression._

_"Ben?" whispered Rey, shock and wonder lighting up her hazel eyes._

_"I've missed you so much, sweetheart." Kylo said tenderly._ _Rey smiled sweetly back at him, her eyes filled with tears._ _Tears of happiness, this time._

_She gasped quietly as he drew nearer and smeared the tears across her cheeks, like he had done outside the temple all those years ago._

_This time, there was an undercurrent of something else. It was present in Rey's rosy blush, the rise and fall of her chest and the swipe of her tongue against her lips._

_It reached Kylo too. He was suddenly very aware of the closeness of their bodies. How Rey's body had grown and changed over the years, lending curves to her chest and hips as well as perfecting her delicate features._

_Rey was... beautiful._

_Kylo noticed Rey gazing at him in turn, taking in his bold features and the muscle of his body. Kylo smirked at her. She grew even redder, though her eyes darkened with lust._

_He wasn't sure who leaned in first._

_They crashed together like waves against a shore, matching each other in ferocity and passion. There was nothing but the slide of their lips and skin against one another, Kylo's hands reaching to cup her chin in delicate contrast to the savageness of their kiss._

_Rey gasped and Kylo took that moment to seize control, plunging his tongue into her mouth in a lewd imitation of sex. Rey moaned, arching into him, but was held back by the restraints._

_"Kriff." he swore softly, looking down at her restraints. "Should I-"_

_"No." she said, smiling mischievously. "Keep them on."_

_Kylo groaned, his pants growing tighter to the point of pain. "Filthy girl."_

_Rey just smiled coyly. Kylo was helpless to her sultry charms, placing his lips on her smooth skin once again. As he pressed heated kisses to her bared shoulder, his gloved hand came up to rest just above her breast._

_His little scavenger went wild, wriggling in a vain attempt to press her breast into his palm. Kylo smirked at her._

_"Do you want something, sweetheart?"_

_"Touch me." begged Rey._

_Kylo obeyed, grasping the mound and giving it a firm squeeze. It fit perfectly in his hand. He impatiently pushed aside the drapes of her tunic and toyed with her bare nipples, flicking and tugging at the rosy peaks. He captured one in his mouth, swirling his tongue around the nipple while his hands teased the other._

_Rey let out an incoherent string of moans and whimpers. She appeared to enjoy the sensation of rough leather against her nipples, if her response was anything to go by._

_Once her nipples were suitably stiff and pink, Kylo pulled back. He ignored her whimpered pleas, fascinated with how her skin shone with his spit. Then he looked into Rey's eyes, asking a silent question. She nodded vigorously._

_She wanted more._

_Kylo pulled his gloves off with his teeth and flung them aside. He helped Rey to remove her bothersome clothes until every golden curve of her body was revealed to his ravenous gaze._

_Rey suddenly looked shy. "I've never... done this before." she whispered._

_"Me neither." admitted Kylo._

_"Did you save yourself for me?" asked Kylo teasingly. Rey continued to blush._

_"Don't worry, sweetheart. I won't make you wait any longer."_

_He kissed her again as his hands made their war to the apex of her thighs. Kylo trailed a finger through her dripping folds, ending with a light brush against her bundle of nerves. Rey bucked into his hands, moaning against his lips._

_"Please." she gasped._

_His poor girl, all worked up. Kylo mercifully slipped a finger into her opening. She was unbelievably tight. Her walls clutched at his finger, but he experimented with a few slow plunges in and out. Gradually, she relaxed enough for him to slide another finger in._

_Even more fluid dripped out of her folds. Rey's entire body trembled and Kylo could feel her walls starting to pulsate around his fingers. Just two fingers, and she was close._

_He began to move his fingers in shallow thrusts, each motion creating a slick, obscene sound that only served to further arouse both of them._

_Kylo curled his fingers inside her soaking cunt and then pressed his thumb against her clit. Rey thrashed in her restraints, mouth falling open. Another gush of liquid coated Kylo's hand. He licked it from his fingers, never breaking eye contact with her._

_Rey lay there for a few moments. Finally, she opened her eyes and looked at Kylo._

_"Your turn." she said, gazing at the noticeable bulge in his pants._

_Kylo laughed, stripping off his clothes until he stood naked in front of her. His cock was an angry shade of red and leaking precum, the hard length jutting out from between his thighs._

_"You want this?" Kylo said, pumping his cock while he stared at her naked body hungrily._

_Rey returned his gaze with equal fervour. "Yes." she breathed._

_He needed no more invitation. Kissing her harshly, Kylo climbed onto the chair, careful not to crush her body. He took a moment to relish the difference in size between the bodies. She was was so small and fragile, almost half his size._ _But he knew they would fit perfectly together._

_Once he was above her, he dragged his rigid length against her still dripping cunt. They both groaned at the friction._

_He kept grinding against her lower half, but eventually grew too impatient. He needed to be inside of her. So he positioned himself at her entrance, captured her lips once more and sunk home._

_It was pure bliss, the feeling of her wet heat surrounding his aching cock._ _Kylo looked down at the sight of her pink lower lips splitting around width of his cock, coating it in her wetness. It was almost too much for him to handle._

_Knowing he wouldn't last long, Kylo began to rock in and out of her cunt. When she squeezed around him, he gradually began to pick up the pace. Eventually, he was rutting into her, giving into his basest instincts and considering nothing but the pleasure her cunt was giving him._

_"So big." moaned Rey, eyes shut._

_"And you're so_ _tight._ _" grunted Kylo. "Look at me, baby."_

_She did. Her hazel eyes met his, and they gazed at each other as Rey's walls began to clench again and draw his length further into his body.. Her wetness had gathered beneath them, probably creating a stain on the chair. Kylo found he could not care less._

_His balls began to ache and tingle. He knew he was on the verge of exploding, so he reached up to caress Rey's breasts while his other hand rub furiously at her clit. She threw her head back, almost screaming in delirious pleasure._

_They fell over the edge. Together._

_Kylo grunted, a jet of his release spurting into the depths of Rey's cunt. Her walls clenched almost painfully around him and a fresh wave of moisture leaked from her to join the puddle below._

_Kylo felt a terrible satisfaction at the sight of his spend spilling out of her red, raw looking cunt. He reached out the push the liquid back into her, where it belonged._

_"I love you." whispered Rey._

_It was this that dragged him from his fantasy._

* * *

Kylo came with a hoarse cry.

His spend spilled all over his hand and painted his abdomen with thick stripes. He let out another groan, panting as he willed his heartbeat to slow down.

Though the release had been satisfying, something was missing. Perhaps the slight imperfectness of the experience, the loss of control that made everything all the more sweeter.

Or maybe it was how pliant and submissive Rey had been in his fevered imagination. So quick to ignore all the years he had abandoned her.

The real Rey had been furious. And rightly so. Even after all those years, she was the same courageous, passionate girl he had once known. Her fierce temper was one of the things he loved best about her.

However, none of that mattered now. He had lost Rey. Perhaps forever.

Kylo sighed and began to clean up, stripping off his clothes and giving his hands a quick wipe. Back to reality.

Through he rubbed his skin clean until it was red and felt almost raw, Kylo couldn't rid himself of her. Of the feeling of her lips and warm skin against his.

Hazel eyes haunted him in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are the only things keeping me going at this point ❤️


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm sorry for the wait. Thank you for your support of this story!
> 
> The first part of this chapter is pretty similar to TLJ, but I've changed a few details and plan to change a whole lot in the next couple of chapters. I'm hoping for more force bond scenes, and Rey will probably spend longer on the island.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Rey stepped off the Falcon, exhaustion seeping into her bones.

There was a persistent ache in both her head and chest. She wanted nothing more than to collapse where she stood. But she forced herself to take one step after another, looking around at the base.

Pilots and other members of the Resistance were talking, laughing and embracing. There were some sad faces, probably due to the losses they'd faced, but Rey could see the hope in each person's eyes.

"Rey!" 

She turned around as Poe approached her. His dark hair was ruffled and his suit was covered in filth, but he made an attempt to smile at her. it did nothing to disguise the worry in his eyes.

Rey thought of the way he and Finn had looked at each other, and felt a pang of sympathy go through her.

"I'm sorry, Poe. Finn..."

He stopped her. "It's alright. I saw him. The medics said his condition was stable, and that his wounds could be treated."

He said all this in a fairly even tone, but Rey could see his pain in the tightening of his jaw and the sadness in his eyes. Guilt washed over her.

"I'm sorry." Rey said again. "He was in the forest with me... and I couldn't save him-"

"Rey." He reached out to place a hand on her shoulder. "What you did was brave. You faced Kylo Ren all by yourself."

"You're a hero. Not just in my eyes, but to everyone else here." 

Poe smiled at her, genuine and warm. "You'll always have a place here at the Resistance."

He gave her shoulder another pat and walked away. Rey began to feel something building in her chest.

Hope.

Rey knew in her heart that she couldn't stay here for long. The war had just begun. There was so much to be done, like tracking down her old master and convincing him to help them in the fight.

Kylo wasn't dead. She would have to face him again someday, no matter how much her heart rebelled against the idea.

But it was comforting, knowing that she had a place to come back to. 

Behind her, Chewie let out a roar. A woman was walking towards him, short yet regal in her stature. A jolt of recognition shot through Rey.

It was Leia.

* * *

General Leia Organa had aged considerably since Rey had last seen her, not just in the wrinkles lining her face and silvery colour of her hair, but in the weariness of her eyes. Someone who had lost that which they loved over and over again, but somehow still existed.

Rey met those eyes with her own, and all her anger washed away.

She had been furious to hear that Leia had lied to her, and she still did not understand the betrayal. But now, she remembered that Han had been Leia's husband. And Ben had been her son,

Leia had lost everything. Just like Rey.

Leia folded Rey in her embrace, and Rey was assaulted with memories. Not just of Leia hugging her all those years ago outside the Jedi Temple when it had seemed like all was lost, but also the feeling of being in the arms of someone safe. 

A mother, almost.

So she let her guard down, allowing a tear to slip down her cheek. Not just for the loss of Han and Ben, but for the childhood and family she had been deprived of.

"Oh, Rey." whispered Leia. "I can never apologise enough for lying to you."

"Why did you do it?" Rey asked softly. Leia looked at her with troubled eyes.

"Do you remember when I found you? You were so young, and innocent, and I knew you loved him."

"I saw the light in your eyes when you talked about Ben. I didn't want to be the one to extinguish it." she said simply.

"I know that it was completely selfish of me. But when I looked at you, I saw hope."

Rey hugged Leia tightly, then released her and stood back. The other woman's eyes were filled with tears, but her face looked peaceful.

"I have to go." said Rey. "I have to find Luke."

"I know." replied Leia. A thousand words were left unspoken between them, but something inside of Rey told her that she would see her again. After all, Rey would only be gone for a short while. 

She turned to go. Another adventure lay ahead, and Rey had to take the first step.

Leia's voice spoke behind her, urging her on.

"May the Force be with you."

* * *

The island was beautiful.

Lush green trees contrasted with sharp, rocky cliffs, all surrounded by the sea that shimmered a mesmerising shade of blue. Rey let out a loud gasp as she took in the sight, causing Chewie to let out a growling noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh.

Eventually, they landed. Rey thanked Chewie and began her ascent up the stone steps set into the side of the island. The Force guided her, pulling her towards the man she was here to find.

Luke Skywalker stood at the top, looking out at the sea.

Like Leia, he had aged considerably. He removed his hood to reveal greying, long hair and sagging wrinkles, but there was still a kind of restrained power present in the hardness of his eyes and jaw.

Luke turned and met Rey's eyes, as if he had been waiting for her. But his face remained passive, without any signs to show that he recognised his former student. 

Rey didn't blame him. After all, it had been many years since he'd last seen her, and she was far from the innocent, helpless little girl she had been then.

Rey had come a long way. And the path had led her to Luke Skywalker.

Silently, she held out the lightsaber.

Luke reached for it, the sleeves of his robe revealing one human hand and one made of metal. Rey caught her breath, relief and hope rising.

Until he carelessly tossed the lightsaber over his shoulder like it was a worthless piece of trash.

Rey could do nothing but gape helplessly as the last Jedi, the final hope of the Resistance, walked away from her. But her body soon caught up with her mind and she hurried after him.

For an old man, he moved surprisingly fast. Rey tried to keep up with him, until he walked into a stone hut and slammed the door in her face.

 _Well,_ that _was rude,_ she thought.

Rey rapped her knuckles on the door. "Master Skywalker!" she called. There was no reply.

She continued to knock on the door, growing more and more impatient. Her hand fell back to her side when she heard a growl from nearby.

Chewie was beside her. Rey flinched; she hadn't heard him approach from the ship. Chewie raised his furry hand and banged at the door.

"Go away!" the muffled voice said.

With a growl that sounded as irritated as Rey felt, Chewie knocked the door from its hinges and sent it flying into the hut.

"Chewie?" said Luke, looking astounded. "What are you doing here?"

Chewie roared. "How did you find me?" replied Luke.

"Long story. We'll tell you on the Falcon" said Rey brusquely. It had caught her off balance, seeing her former master again. And now, the last thing she wanted to do was stand around talking to him when she could be back at the Resistance base, helping Leia.

"The Falcon?" said Luke. His next words caused Rey's heart to plummet into her stomach. 

"Wait. Where's Han?"

Pain seared through her, burning and fresh. 

With a heavy heart, Rey began to explain.

* * *

They moved outside afterwards. Luke's face was drawn and haggard in the midday sunlight, but his eyes were fixed on Rey attentively.

"There is no light left in Kylo Ren." said Rey. Though she knew her words to be true, saying them out loud felt... wrong, somehow. Like a betrayal. She ignored the heavy feeling in her stomach and continued.

"He's only getting stronger. The First Order will control all the major systems within weeks. We need your help. We need the Jedi Order back. We need Luke Skywalker."

Having finished her speech, Rey leaned back. But his harsh words soon jolted her out her brief feelings of satisfaction.

"You don't need Luke Skywalker."

Luke sounded final, abrupt. The hope building in Rey's chest began to dim. They had made so many sacrifices and come all this way for Luke Skywalker, and now the cruel bastard was refusing to help them?

But when she looked at him, his face held sympathy. I"m truly sorry, Rey. But I'm not leaving this island." he said.

"You know who I am?" asked Rey, startled.

"Of course I remember you." replied Luke. "Rey. You're from Jakku. You were a youngling at my temple before..." He trailed off, something indecipherable flashing in his tired eyes.

"You were always close with Ben, if I remember correctly. And now you want me to cut him down with a laser sword."

"He's not Ben anymore." snapped Rey, then tried to calm herself.

"Kylo Ren is a huge threat to the galaxy. He and the First Order need to be stopped, and we need your help."

"You think that I came to the most unfindable place in the galaxy for no reason at all?" demanded Luke, changing tact.

"I left for a reason. Now, and I'm saying this for your own good, _go away._ "

He left again. But Rey followed him closely this time.

"I'm not leaving without you!" she called.

* * *

Rey was true to her word. 

All day, she followed Luke Skywalker around the island. He engaged in both the most dangerous and dull activities, leaping across rocky cliffs to stab fish followed by squeezing green milk from the teats of disgusting creatures.

Rey watched it all silently. And all day, Luke ignored her. 

Until she heard the voices.

They whispered to her, urging her on, causing her feet to move of their own accord. Luke turned around and looked at her sharply, but she barely noticed. 

Eventually, Rey found herself outside a dark opening, yearning to go inside. So she did.

“Who are you?” Luke’s voice broke her out of the trance.

“You know me.” replied Rey.

“Yes,” said Luke impatiently, “I’ve already said that I remember you. But you’ve... changed.”

“You think I’m broken?” asked Rey, almost challengingly. “Because I can barely use the Force anymore?”

It was almost crude, dishonest, to say those words aloud. But surely what had happened on Starkiller base had just been a fluke. Her Force abilities had died with Ben Solo.

Or had they? Rey remembered what it felt like, the sense of all knowing power and instinct as she called the lightsaber to her and battled Kylo Ren.

Luke was looking at her as if he knew what she was thinking. “Why did you come here, Rey?”

By now, Rey was sick of lying. Of omitting the truth in any way, pretending to be the good Resistance soldier she knew she wasn’t.

“Something inside me has always been there.” she whispered hesitantly. “Now it's awake again. And I'm afraid. I don’t know what to do with it. And I need help.”

It was comforting, speaking the truth. Like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

Luke looked at her thoughtfully. Again, his inner thoughts were there and gone in his eyes before Rey could read them. Desperation rose in her.

“Leia sent me here with hope. If she was wrong, she deserves to know why.”

“My sister is never wrong.” said Luke with a touch of wry humour, then grew serious.

“Sometimes, hope isn’t enough.” 

He turned to leave. “You of all people should know that.”

And Rey realised that she did. Hope hadn’t brought back Ben from the dead, or when it did, he had become something worse.

These thoughts lingered with her that night. They were not comforting companions in the cold, lonely stone hut.

She awoke from a restless sleep to find Luke over her, whispering.

"Tomorrow at dawn. I will teach you the ways of the Jedi... and why they need to end."

* * *

She was sitting in her hut when he first appeared.

At first, it was just a feeling. A heightening of her senses, sending a shiver down her spine and making her aware of the unbroken silence surrounding her.

Then she saw him. Kylo Ren.

He was sitting across from her, in perfect detail, a frighteningly real apparition. Slightly different to when she last saw him, bleeding to death in the snow, face twisted with rage.

He was beautiful then. He still was, and her heart hurt just from looking at him.

One side of Kylo's face was marred by a scar, a vicious red line running from his forehead to slash across his cheek. Though she felt a pang of guilt, something perverse and savage inside her relished leaving a permanent mark on his skin.

An act of possession, somehow. Like how he had shouted at her in the forest, trying to claim her as his.

_That lightsaber. It belongs to me._

_As do you._

It should have infuriated Rey. Disgusted her. But instead... it aroused her. It sent a blaze of pleasure through her body, and for a moment Rey allowed herself the luxury of just staring at him, taking in the scar and every other elegant feature.

They gazed at each other. Until, at last, Rey came to her senses and grabbed her blaster. Aimed it at Kylo's chest, and fired.

It went straight through him.

Rey had blown a hole in the side of her hut, but that didn't matter. She looked around for Kylo, but was gone.

Like he had never been there to begin with.

Rey wonders how cruel her mind would have to be, to tempt her with visions of the man she once loved and now despised.

Rey loathed him. With all her heart.

At least, that's what she told herself.

Dark brown eyes haunted her in her sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos much appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I suck. Sorry for the wait.

When Rey awoke, she remembered nothing. And everything was beautiful.

Luke had agreed to teach her the ways of the Jedi again. And then he would come back with her and help save the Resistance. The First Order would be vanquished, and the galaxy would be at peace.

As Rey exited her hut, she noticed the gaping hole in the side. And she was abruptly reminded of the events of the past night.

And the world came crashing down.

She'd seen Kylo last night. Or at least, she had imagined him.

But he had seemed so _real_.

And beautiful.

Rey tried to shake these thoughts away. She couldn't afford to let them distract her. Master Luke would train her soon, and for that she needed to focus. 

Then she felt it again. 

The slight chill against her skin, even in the warm morning sunlight. The sounds of the wind blowing, porgs chirping and the caretakers complaining faded away.

And then, he appeared.

He could not be mistaken for a mere vision this time, conjured from delirious thoughts in the middle of the night.

His black clothes and pale skin stood out starkly against the colourful backdrop of the island. The scar slashing across one side of his face was as vicious as it had seemed last night.

And his eyes, dark and unreadable, were gazing directly at her.

"Is it really you?" asked Rey dazedly. Like the innocent child she had been, seeing her dead best friend once again.

For a moment, he held the same expression in his eyes. Then his gaze hardened. "You'll bring Luke Skywalker to me." he commanded with a lift of his gloved hand. 

The stern tone of his voice did something to her, sending shivers down her spine and a warmth to form in her lower body. Instinctively, she clenched her thighs together.

Rey mentally shook herself. What was wrong with her? This was not the time for wanton thoughts. 

Kylo was a monster. He had killed Han.

"You're going to pay for what you did!" she spat at him with renewed anger. He ignored her outburst and lowered his hand, looking curious.

"Can you see my surroundings? I can't see yours."

So he hadn't found the location of the island. Relief swept through her, but not enough to diminish her anger.

"You're not doing this. The effort would kill you." Kylo stated dismissively. This remark only served to infuriate Rey more. 

"You know nothing about me, Kylo Ren." she hissed. "Or what I am capable of."

"I know you." he replied, stepping closer. "I've always known you. No matter how long we spent apart."

"And I've always..." He tensed after the last part, as if he'd said too much. 

_Always what?_ wondered Rey.

"I'd lost hope since we last saw each other, you know." he continued. "But now you're here, standing in front of me, like something out of a dream." 

But she'd had enough of the pretty lies that slipped from his tongue like poisonous honey. She felt the pull to believe him, to sink into his arms, just as she felt the pull to the Dark side.

She resisted them both.

"This is not a dream." snapped Rey. 

_This is a nightmare._

Even as those words drifted in her mind, she knew they were lies.

"You're right." Kylo said, the intense, haunted look returning to his eyes. "This is... something else."

With those words, he was gone.

* * *

She had been weak.

In Luke's training. Losing control like that, letting her mind drift towards the Dark power running through the island. Even later, a sick feeling welled in her chest whenever she remembered Luke's horrified and disappointed expression.

Not only that. Rey had seen Kylo again, by means she had yet to discover, and she had failed. She had allowed herself to be seduced again, even if it had been brief, by the killer she had once loved.

She had let him live.

Rey felt his presence again. This time she was ready. 

Rey reminded herself of who he was and what he had done, even as her heart and body rejoiced at his appearance.

_Murderer liar villain killer_

Kylo took in her bared teeth and the way she held her body taut as if preparing for an attack. He didn't look angered or hurt, but a shadow flickered over his face.

"What happened between us? You and I." he asked carefully.

Rey was unable to answer at first. There were no words to express the years of grief and loneliness, the devastation of his betrayal and the complex emotions she felt for him even now.

"It doesn't matter now." she replied harshly.

"You lost. I found Master Skywalker first." 

Kylo studied her for a while before he spoke. "The night at the temple. Did he tell you why?"

Rey fought the urge to close her eyes as memories assaulted her. The temple in flames. Sitting in the freezing night as the stench of death surrounded her.

And Ben. His gentle hands wiping her tears away, his warm arms around her.

He had felt like home.

But Luke had told her the truth. He had been tempted by his new Master, and he had given in. Destroyed the temple. Killed everyone who had stood in his way.

Ben Solo had died, and Kylo Ren had taken his place. The boy she had loved was gone forever.

"I know everything I need to know about you." she said. Her voice was cruel, reflecting the misery and pain she had felt at his hand.

And still, it was enough. Not enough to hurt him as much as he had hurt her.

"I hate you." she said. And she could almost believe it wasn't a lie.

"You do?" he said, eyes searching hers. "Ah, you do."

He sounded almost satisfied. "You have that look in your eyes. From the forest. When you called me a monster."

Screaming drowned out by the wind. Lightsabers clashing, and cutting through flesh. White snow stained red with blood.

"You _are_ a monster." said Rey, drawing anger from these memories.

"Yes, I am." Kylo replied. Against her will, Rey's eyes were drawn to his face, taking in the tightening of his full lips and the compelling darkness in his eyes.

He disappeared then, leaving Rey to ponder the truth of his words.

 _Who did this?_ she had asked him once.

And for once, he hadn't lied.

_A monster._

* * *

"I'd rather not do this now."

"Yeah, me too." came the sardonic reply.

Rey finally turned around, and was met with the sight of Kylo Ren's bare chest.

For a while, she just stood there and stared. It was somehow fascinating, the way the muscles on his abdomen flexed and gleamed with a sheen of sweat.

She managed to drag her eyes back up to his face. He was smiling slightly, as if he knew exactly what Rey was thinking.

It was not a nice smile.

"Do you have anything you could put on?" Rey asked pointedly, trying to disguise the way her voice trembled.

The corner of his mouth curled upwards. "What's the matter, scavenger?" he said. "Feeling bashful?"

Rey scowled at him, though the effect was mostly ruined by her flaming cheeks and parted lips.

"I can go and find something to wear if it affects your modesty that much." he said, feigning a sigh. 

Then his eyes glimmered with mirth. "But we both know your modesty has already been compromised in... _other_ ways."

It was impossible to miss his meaning. Rey flushed even harder as she was reminded of what had happened in the interrogation room, the heat of his touch, how perfectly their bodies had fitted together as if they were made for each other.

Kylo had been her first kiss. Her first... everything.

He had taken so much from her. But not just from her.

Kylo had taken the life of his father.

"Why did you hate your father?" she asked suddenly.

Kylo looked surprised at the turn their conversation had taken. The flirtatious light died from his eyes, replaced by a mask of cool indifference.

"I didn't hate him." he replied.

"They why?" whispered Rey, tears filling her eyes.

"Why what?" said Kylo. " _Say it._ "

"Why did you kill him?" asked Rey in a louder voice. She looked at him with accusing eyes.

"I don't understand." she said softly. Ben never would have committed such a terrible act.

_Ben is dead. Kylo Ren is.... someone else._

"You of all people should understand." replied Kylo, darkness seeping into his voice. "Your parents were never there for you either. They threw you away like garbage."

"No. That's not true." she tried to say, but Kylo wasn't finished.

"Even when I first met you, all you wanted to do was go back to Jakku and wait for your parents."

"And I tried to take care of you like they should have, but you were always searching for them. Never seeing what was right in front of you."

"Now, you're looking for them in Luke Skywalker again." he said, almost accusingly. "Did he tell you what really happened that night?"

"The night where you murdered everyone at the temple? The night when you left me and let me believe you were dead?" asked Rey, fighting the rush of tears.

"No." replied Kylo. "I never wanted any of that. Skywalker had sensed my power, as he senses yours now. And he feared it."

Rey wanted to scream, but also she could do was listen mutely as her world fell apart.

His parting words chilled her to the core.

"Let the past die. Kill it if you have to."

"That's the only way to become who you were meant to be."

* * *

Rey lay awake the whole night.

The next day, she practiced her strokes, swinging the lightsaber in a powerful arc again and again.

Sweat dripped down the back of her neck and caused her tunic to cling to her back. Even for someone whose early childhood had been spent in the blistering heat of Jakku, working in the full sunlight was exhausting.

Rey stood there, trying to catch her breath. A pleasant coolness spread over her, along with an unpleasant realisation.

He was here.

Rey resumed her practice. By now, she had learned to ignore Kylo whenever he appeared.

"Your stance is all wrong." he commented lazily. Neither of them acknowledged the conversation they'd had last night, the dark secrets and past betrayals that had come to light.

In the sunlight, it all seemed like a bad dream. But Rey knew she would have to face the truth soon.

For now, Rey continued to ignore him, causing him to chuckle.

"It's alright, scavenger. Talking to the big, bad Kylo Ren won't earn you an immediate trip to the Dark Side like Skywalker would tell you."

Still, she refused to acknowledge him. She was so focused on not giving him the satisfaction of a reaction, that when she looked over at him out of the corner of her eye, she nearly dropped the lightsaber.

"What are you doing?" she practically screeched.

Kylo raised an eyebrow as he continued pulling his shirt over his head. Rey couldn't help but marvel at the endless expanse of skin on display, all corded muscle and moles dotting his pale skin like stars.

He had caught her off guard like this before. Still she stood there, shocked and captivated all at once.

"What do you think I'm doing?" he replied sarcastically.

"Why-" she stuttered as her cheeks flooded with heat. 

"Put your clothes back on!" she ordered eventually.

"Relax, scavenger. I'm not going to ravish you." he replied, somehow managing to roll his eyes elegantly. "Besides, you've seen it before."

Rey crossed her arms, trying to hide her discomfort. She willed the redness staining her cheeks to disappear.

Kylo had something in his hand now. A long, wooden stick, presumably a training saber. He spun it around with the practiced ease of someone highly skilled in the art of fighting.

"I'd bring out my actual lightsaber, but I have a feeling that wouldn't be well received." he said.

"I'm not going anywhere near you." said Rey with no small amount of venom.

His jaw tensed, but he quickly covered it with a superior smirk. "Well, you won't have to." he replied. "We're not going to actually fight each other. Just follow what I'm doing."

"Why are you doing this?" asked Rey suspiciously. "Why are you helping me? What's in it for you?"

Kylo was silent for a moment. "I wish for a worthy opponent." he said finally. "There is no honour in besting an untrained scavenger from Jakku."

Rey studied him. He seemed sincere. What was the harm in listening to him this one time? Perhaps she could learn his weaknesses.

Besides, she was tired of Luke's cryptic lessons and thinly veiled warnings. She needed to learn how to wield the Force as a weapon as well as a shield.

"I still beat you before." muttered Rey, and got into position.

They worked in near silence for what felt like hours, knowing nothing but the stifling heat and the movement of each other's bodies.

Afterwards, they stood by each other silently, panting and drenched with sweat. Rey couldn't help but look over at him again, flushing as her eyes were drawn to his naked torso.

"I still don't understand." she said quietly. Ben looked at her, weighing his words carefully before he replied.

"Perhaps I just missed teaching you."

* * *

_Who am I?_

The question rang in her head as she made her way to the centre of the island. The place she had seen in dreams and visions, the one place that was forbidden to a Jedi.

She let herself go, and waited for the Dark Side to claim her.

Rey screamed in the damp, cavernous space over and over again. The answer to her question lay just out of reach, taunting her with glimpses of her past and what lay ahead.

The darkness kept its terrible silence.

There was no reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone seen 365 dni/days??? I'm contemplating writing a reylo au, but idk if I can handle two fics at once.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, guys, I know it's been a while...
> 
> THE SMUT HAS ARRIVED 🔥🍆💦

"I thought I'd find answers here."

In her mind, Rey fell through the darkness once again. Braving freezing water and the ghosts of people she had once loved, only to be left with less answers than before.

"But I'd never felt so alone." Her voice broke on the last word, unexpected tears filling her eyes.

 _Alone._ The word that had haunted Rey for her entire life.

First, her childhood on Jakku, the years spent on a barren planet waiting for her family for return.

And then, all those years on Takadona. Mourning the only person she'd ever truly loved. Waiting for yet another person who would never return.

Finally, he spoke. "You're not alone."

Kylo's voice was rough yet gentle. His eyes searched hers, and they held nothing but truth. Along with another emotion that Rey dared not name.

Her own eyes shone with hope. She could almost see him, the ghost of Ben Solo lingering, dispelling the darkness that was Kylo Ren.

Her best friend still lived. She could still save him.

Luke would call her weak for giving into temptation. And he would almost certainly consider her choices a sign that she was unworthy of being a Jedi.

But was it truly weakness, to suffer for years and still have the ability to forgive and hope?

Rey looked at herself, reflected in the dark pools of Ben's eyes. She saw nothing but strength.

She saw a Jedi, and a woman in love.

"Neither are you." Rey whispered in reply.

Holding her breath, she withdrew an arm from the blanket and reached out towards Kylo. Offering him her hand and her heart.

He continued gazing into her eyes as he removed his glove, pale flesh bared beneath supple leather. He slowly, tentatively began to reach out to her in return.

The space around them felt charged with something, as if it too held its breath in anticipation at this momentous point in time. The fire flickered, and with it the past and future of these two individuals began to come together.

Their fingers brushed. Rey gasped at the contact.

So did Ben.

* * *

They stared into each other's eyes for what felt like an eternity.

At last, Ben spoke. "I've been waiting for so long." he murmured. "Finally, you're here."

The same words he had spoken in the forest on Takadona, when they had been reunited after years apart. She had thought him a monster, not recognising the boy she loved under the mask.

Rey had been frightened then. She wasn't anymore.

She was tired of playing the innocent Jedi girl who knew nothing of the world. Tired of hiding the pull she felt towards the Dark side, as well as the love and lust she felt for the dark warrior in front of her.

So Rey leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. "You're here." she repeated softly.

Ben went completely still for a moment before he started to reciprocate the kiss. He slid his hands into Rey's hair, softly grasping the strands and using them to pull her ever so slightly closer.

At first, they moved gently with one another. There was no hurry, no outburst of passion, just the sweet and reverent celebration of having found each other at last.

Ben treated her as if she was fragile. It was almost an apology, penance for the fierce way he had devoured her lips in the interrogation room.

But Rey was strong. She would not break.

She wanted more.

"Stop holding back." Rey whispered into the kiss. She scraped his bottom lip lightly with her teeth, nipping at him and trying to provoke him into aggression.

Ben slipped his tongue into her mouth, groaning quietly, but his body was still tense. Rey resisted a sigh. He was so _stubborn_.

"I-" he began, before she silenced him with her mouth. They lost themselves in the warmth of one another once again, until Ben was able to regain control over his senses.

He stalled her eagerly roaming hands. "Rey." he said softly. "There are so many things I need to apologise for."

"You still don't know everything about me. What I've done-" he broke off, self-hatred filling his face.

"It's not too late." said Rey urgently. She took his hands in hers. "Kylo Ren did those things. You can still change, become Ben Solo again."

"Can a monster like me ever truly change?" whispered Ben. He was vulnerable, almost boyish, as he looked up at her.

"Yes." replied Rey. "I believe that anyone can change. As long as there's someone that loves them."

Her heart began to thud as she said the words, but Ben just smiled tentatively at her. He pressed his lips to her forehead and cheeks, until she surged up to draw him into another all consuming kiss.

When her hands brushed over the vicious scar slashing across his face, Rey reached up to place trail of kisses along the slightly raised skin. "Does it still hurt?" she asked softly.

Ben swallowed. "Sometimes." he replied. "But it's a reminder."

"Of what my actions in the past have forced other people to do. People that I... care about."

His lips parted, as if he wanted to say something else, but Ben shook his head and brushed his thumb lightly over her palm.

"And to never underestimate you ever again." he added, his lips curving in a roguish smirk.

Rey, however, was abruptly reminded of what they had both done during their fight in the forest. How rage had filled her, the cruel words that she had hurled at him, and the brief moment where she had considered ending it all.

She gently caressed his face in her own act of penance, but refused to let guilt consume her as well. It was not what either of them needed.

Taking a deep breath, Rey began to remove the drapes covering her body, as well as her boots and belt. Once they had been discarded on the floor of the hut, she reached down to draw her tunic up and over her head.

She stumbled slightly, then felt Ben's gentle hands steadying her and helping her to remove the offending garment. Rey felt the inevitable blush rising in her cheeks, and scowled at Ben's remaining clothes to hide her embarrassment. 

"Off." she ordered, tugging at the thick fabric of his tunic. Ben quirked an eyebrow and obeyed. He began to fumble with the clasps of his pants as well, but Rey had grown far too impatient.

She practically leapt into his arms, causing him to grunt and ungracefully collapse onto her bedroll. He gave no sign of discomfort, so Rey assumed they must be on a bed or some other kind of furniture on his end of the connection. The thought of it sent a pulse of excitement through her body.

They rolled around for a while, lips attached and hands exploring every inch of the other's bare skin, Rey's undergarments having been thrown to the floor by Ben's eager hands long ago. 

Ben's pants still remained, so Rey had to content herself with running her hands through his soft, silky hair and feeling the hard planes of his stomach. Ben didn't seem to mind, if his groans and purrs were any indication.

Eventually, he stilled. "Are you sure about this?" he asked quietly. His mouth was set, as if he expected a rejection.

He wouldn't find one. There was only one answer Rey could ever give him. 

"Yes." 

* * *

Ben barely knew what he was doing.

He thought he had known ecstasy before, during the countless hours spent fucking his own hand in his private chambers, visualising Rey's naked body in conjunction with outlandish, rather vulgar scenarios.

In his fevered imagination, he was confident and assertive despite his inexperience. His imagination, it seemed, had been entirely incorrect.

" _Ben._ " whined Rey as she squirmed in his lap. He might have laughed at her peevish expression had his erection not immediately sprung to life as a result of her movements.

"Please stop doing that." he said through gritted teeth. He placed both hands on her hips in an attempt to stop her incessant wriggling. She blinked up at him, radiation innocence and confusion.

"Sweetheart." panted Ben, trying to explain. "If you keep doing that, and by some miracle I don't come in my pants, I'll lose control. I'll take you roughly and without mercy, no matter the consequences. And that is _not_ how I want our first time together to be."

Rey's cheeks reddened even further. Ben felt a flash of panic, that he had embarrassed and upset her, and she had decided being with him was not worth the risk. 

But as he looked closer, he noticed that her pupils had dilated and she was subtly rubbing her thighs together. She didn't look frightened at all. 

She looked... _aroused._

With a mischievous expression, she began to slowly grind against his clothed erection in wicked, deliberate movements. Ben glared at her and breathed heavily through his nose, willing the blood in his body to stop rushing to his groin.

"You didn't seem to mind being rough with me in the interrogation room." huffed Rey. _Brat._

Ben pressed his lips together. "I was wrong to do that." he said. "I should have treated you better. You deserve... everything." 

_You deserve what I cannot give you,_ he thought, but did not give voice to the truth. Because he was selfish, and would not risk her leaving him again.

It would destroy him, the loss of her warmth and light. She was his only tether to his family and the identity of Ben Solo, to the light side and the first steps towards redemption.

"I've never done this before." he confessed. "I don't know if I have the strength to be gentle."

"I haven't either." said Rey, sounding slightly exasperated. "But I'm not asking you to be gentle."

"In fact, I _liked_ what you did in the interrogation room, although it ill timed on your part. I liked it very much."

She nipped at his neck, leaving a sharp yet pleasurable sting. "I want you, Ben Solo. All of you. So, for the last time, _stop holding back._ "

"You can take whatever you want." she breathed, echoing his words from the interrogation room and leaning back to display her body with a coy smile. "Because I am willing to give it to you."

Ben's control snapped.

He claimed her mouth again, this time with fierce, demanding passion, pulling at her plump lower lip and almost shoving his tongue down her throat. Rey responded with equal fervour, clinging to his shoulders and gasping quietly.

Ben wanted to see what other noises of pleasure she could make. He kissed his way down her neck and collarbones, ending with a scrape of his teeth in the valley between her breasts. Then he sat back for a moment and admired the view.

"I know they're not very big." said Rey bashfully, trying to cover her chest. Ben growled and pulled her arms away.

"They're perfect." he said fiercely. "Just the right size to fit into my mouth, and with those pretty pink nipples-"

Ben proceeded to demonstrate his appreciation by taking the entirety of her right breast into his mouth, sloppily mouthing at the mound and swirling his tongue around the stiff peak. He soon moved on to the other, tweaking and tormenting both globes with his fingers as he sucked.

"You're so beautiful, Rey. Kriff, I lo-" he broke off, cursing his loose tongue.

 _Tread carefully,_ a voice in his head reminded him. He could not be sure if it was his own.

Ben knew Rey loved him. She had said as much in the interrogation room. However, he didn't know if she truly loved _him_ , the broken murderer tainted with Kylo Ren, or only her best friend who had died years ago.

Rey didn't seem to notice his inner turmoil. Her moans at his ministrations had changed into needy whines as she gripped his hair, begging for more.

Ben could never deny his love anything.

He moved down Rey's body, past her navel, until he could comfortably settle between her legs. He met her eyes through his lashes as he blew a stream of air upon the apex of her thighs. Rey squirmed uncontrollably.

"What are you doing.... I've never-"

Ben took pity on her. "I've never done this to anyone either. So you'll have to tell me what feels good, sweetheart."

Rey nodded frantically and bit her lip. Ben took that as permission to start on her inner thighs, licking and biting marks into her smooth skin. He became addicted to the sweet taste of her and allowed himself a single swipe along her dripping folds.

Rey squealed, bucking her hips and nearly taking out his teeth, but Ben pulled back and replaced his mouth with his hands. His fingers stroked her mound before dipping into her wet core, gathering slick to help him plunge further into her heat.

His poor girl was practically sobbing through her moans, her virgin body overtaken by pleasure. Ben was in not better shape, his balls seeming to swell and his length aching painfully.

While two of his fingers thrust in and out of her cunt, another drew lazy circles around her clit, pulling back the hood and exposing even more of the pink bud. When Rey finally opened her eyes and shot him a pleading look, Ben lowered his head again and sucked her bundle of nerves into his mouth.

She threw back her head and screeched, making Ben chuckle fondly then wince. He reached up and squeezed one of her breasts in warning.

"Such lovely sounds." he murmured. "But you have to be quiet for me, baby."

Ben gently lapped at her folds until it seemed Rey was less likely to let out a scream, then switched back to ruthless, aggressive licks and thrusts. He could have done this forever, lost in the scent and taste of her honeyed slick, but Rey was reaching her climax.

At the same time, Ben's balls began tingling. As Rey exploded with a gush of liquid and a clench of her walls around his probing tongue, Ben felt the familiar surge and release in his own nether regions.

Ben had thought he'd come in his pants like he had feared earlier, but when he looked down, his pants were still dry and his cock rock hard.

_What in the name of the Maker-_

Rey glimmered with sweat and her cheeks were bright red, but she looked at him with wide eyes. "Did you... feel that? Through the bond?'

At this point, Ben was beyond caring. He'd just experienced Rey's orgasm somehow, but his cock was still begging for release. He hissed as pulled off his pants and released it, pumping his hand along the stiff length.

"Let me." a sultry voice whispered as Rey crawled on top of him again, wrapping her slim hand around his erection. He pulsed in her hand, marvelling at how her fingers couldn't reach completely around him.

Rey seemed to have the same thought, frowning slightly as she surveyed the size of him. But then, like the brave little scavenger she was, Rey took his leaking tip into her mouth, bobbing along his length until half of it was enveloped.

Ben let out a tortured moan. He couldn't manage any coherent words at all as Rey continued to suck his cock, licking at the veins on the side and tasting at his precum with her eager tongue.

Eventually, Ben pulled her off his length, panting heavily. Rey wiped at her mouth and pouted at him with lips covered in spit.

"Was I not good?" she asked worriedly. Ben had the strangest urge to laugh. 

"You were perfect, sweetheart." he choked out. "But you almost made me come, _far_ too fast, and I should show better control than that."

He trailed a finger over her lips. "I want to come buried in your tight, dripping cunt."

"Then do it." she whispered. Daring him.

Ben obeyed.

He grasped Rey's hips, adjusting their bodies so that he hovered over her without crushing her tiny body. When their lower halves rubbed together, they let out a groan in unison.

Once Ben's cock was aligned at the entrance of Rey's dripping and ready cunt, he met her gaze one last time.

Her eyes shone. And just this once, Ben allowed himself to see the light as love. Love for him.

Ben pushed into her waiting heat, inch by inch. He held her as the pain of her first time flashed across her face, refusing to move, whispering sweet nonsense into her skin.

Finally, she began to relax. Her walls seemed to welcome the intrusion, clutching at his length as if begging for more. Ben remained still, until he felt Rey place a soft kiss on his cheek.

"More." she whispered.

Ben slowly plunged further, until he felt the tip brush her cervix. Rey's face contorted in a heady mix of pain and pleasure.

He withdrew at the same pace, causing wetness to leak out of her hole. His plunge back into her cunt was lubricated by her arousal, accompanied by an obscene squelching sound.

Ben repeated the motions countless times, gradually gaining speed. When he reached the stage where he had begun viciously pistoning in and out of her heat, Rey began to intentionally clench around him, increasing the pleasure for both of them.

This sensation, combined with the lewd slap of skin against skin, was pushing Ben very close to the edge. Rey had begun to make adorable whining noises every time he pushed back into her, indicating that she was close as well.

"I can't last any longer." he panted. "Come with me, sweetheart."

"I love you."

These last three words were spoken so quietly that Rey could not have possibly heard them. But they remained in Ben's head, a constant refrain, as his thrusts grew faster and sloppier. As Rey grew impossibly tighter, lips parting in anticipation.

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

Ben and Rey fell over the edge, each of their pleasure amplified by the other's climax. Ben shuddered as he spilled into Rey's core, experiencing a rush of terrible pride as her slick and his spend mingled. Forever entwined.

As Ben drew a nearly unconscious Rey into his arms, the words continued in his mind.

_I love you._

* * *

"So, did you ever think about me before?"

Ben was confused. "Of course I did. Wait, what do you mean?"

"You know. Naughty thoughts." said Rey, with a saucy wink. "Even before Takadona."

"Of course not!" he replied, outraged.

After a moment, he confessed, "You were my best friend. Of course I wondered what you looked liked. But I never started to _fantasize_ or anything until after the interrogation room."

"Pervert."

He scowled at her playfully and tapped her pouty lips. In response, Rey wrapped her mouth around his finger and flicked her tongue against the tip. Ben swallowed audibly as his spent dick stirred once again.

After a few more moments wrapped in each other's warmth, Rey spoke quietly. "You said my best friend was dead. But... you're him again now, aren't you?"

"It's not that simple." replied Ben carefully. "The Ben you knew, the Ben you loved... I don't know if I'll ever be him again."

"But like I said in the interrogation room, you have this... power over me. You give me the courage to not want to be Kylo Ren anymore. When I'm around you, I'm Ben Solo again."

Rey's eyes were filled with tears, either from despair or happiness. Her voice trembled as she spoke. 

"Ben, I-" 

Suddenly, their moment of peace was shattered. "Stop!" a voice cried.

Around them, the hut fell apart. Rain doused the flickering fire, extinguishing its light.

With it, Ben Solo disappeared.

* * *

Luke Skywalker stood among the ruins, his hand still outstretched.

He still looked like the haggard old man he was, but his eyes burned with fierce emotions. Anger, disgust, disappointment.

"What have you done?" he breathed.

Rey felt anger rise in her own chest. This man had tried to murder his own nephew and driven him to the Dark side, and he _dared_ to shame her for her own choices?

For choosing to love, instead of hiding away from the rest of the world like he had?

Skywalker turned to leave, but Rey leapt her feet and strode after him into the pouring rain.

"Is it true?" she asked the Jedi master, her voice shaking with fury and betrayal. "Did you try to murder him?"

"Leave this island now." he commanded. Up close, Rey could see the fear in his eyes as he looked at her.

Good. Let him be afraid.

"Did you do it? Did you create Kylo Ren?" she shouted.

"I saw darkness. I'd sensed it building in him." he began, but Rey bared her teeth at him. He drew back.

" _No._ " she said. "I don't want to hear any more of your lies. It doesn't matter whether you thought he was going to turn to the Dark side. All that matters is that he was your nephew. You loved him. We both loved him."

"But you never tried to help him. You believed his choice was made. _That_ was how Ben Solo died, and Kylo Ren was created."

"It wasn't." she whispered, shame at her own actions softening her words. 

"There is still conflict in him. If he turned from the dark side, that could shift the tide. This could be how we win."

"You failed him." said Rey, cold but calm. "I would never. Not anymore."

Skywalker just looked at her, disbelief and pity in his tired face. "This is not going to go the way you think." 

"It is." replied Rey with conviction. "Just now, when we touched hands..."

"Is that all you did?"" he snorted, with a touch of his old humour.

"I saw his future." said Rey, ignoring his remark. As solid as I'm seeing you. If I go to him, Ben Solo will turn."

"Rey, don't do this." pleaded Skywalker, desperation bleeding into his voice. "I know how much you loved Ben. You trusted me for years, and I'm asking you to trust me again now."

"Ben Solo is dead. Don't throw your life away for a ghost."

Rey stood up, her mind already made up. "Then he is our last hope." she replied simply.

Before she left, she turned back to him. "You still have your life." Rey said. "But you're not _living_ it. You're a ghost yourself."

"I would rather throw away my life for hope. For love." 

* * *

Rey said her farewells to the island.

Her existence here had been short-lived, but in that time she had changed irrevocably. Rey had grown as a Jedi, and as a woman. Not only from Luke's tutelage and the presence of the Force on the island, but also the steps she had taken towards discovering who she truly was.

The time had come for her the continue her journey, even as it lead away from this place. The path continued. Her destiny lay ahead. 

Somewhere across the galaxy, the man she loved was waiting for her.

Rey reached out through the bond they shared, across the wide stretch of space that separated them. She had no way of knowing whether he could hear her, but hope still burned in her chest like a steady flame.

_I'm coming back for you, Ben._

_I promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter, sorry it took so long :)
> 
> Hope the switch from Kylo to Ben wasn't too confusing, and that you're not angry that Rey has forgiven Ben so easily. I really wanted these two babies to have a soft and sweet (and a lil' kinky) first time together before shit goes down...


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, guys! Both for my absence and the chapter ahead...

The galaxy stretched before Rey, an everlasting expanse of inky black dotted with bright bursts of light. In the distance, a single star winked in and out of view, like beacon guiding her home.

Home. Not a place, but a person. 

Ben.

"As soon as I launch, you jump back out of range. Stay there until you get my signal for where to rendezvous."

Rey looked up at Chewie, her face serious. He nodded his furry head and let out a series of grunts which she listened to intently. Maz had taught her some Shyriiwook when she lived at Takadona, but she was far from fluent.

"If you see the Resistance before I do, tell them..." Rey trailed off, unsure of how to put her complicated feelings and wishes into words.

They were her friends, her newfound family. But she had always loved Ben, and now he needed her help.

Chewie spoke again. Rey smiled at him, her friend who always knew what to say.

"Tell them that."

Later, as she lay in the escape pod that would take her into the heart of the First Order, Chewie's words still echoed in her mind.

_Have hope. I will return._

_May the Force be with you._

* * *

Everything was dark, until she saw his face.

The face of the man she loved, rising out above the hiss and steam of the pod opening. For a moment Rey was breathless and caught up in simply gazing at him.

Somehow, his breath against her face as she looked up at him with parted lips was just as intimate as their coupling the night before.

They were together at last, and Rey felt almost giddy with the knowledge that she would not have to reach across the breadth of a galaxy in order to touch him.

She sobered quickly when she noticed the pair of stormtroopers next to him, and what they were brandishing.

Handcuffs.

She was a prisoner here.

Rey's whole body grew cold, but she climbed out of the pod and obliged, presenting her wrists without struggle. 

Then she held out Luke's lightsaber to Ben, a silent offering he accepted without comment. Their fingers brushed, making her heart jump.

However, as soon as the lightsaber had left Rey's hands, Ben turned and strode away. As if she wasn't worth his time.

Rey's thoughts turned from infatuation to panic and hurt, but she forced herself to calm down.

There would be no turning back now.

* * *

"You don't have to do this."

Rey's words rang out in the small space of the elevator. The air was frigid, and Ben's silence added to the shivers wracking down Rey's spine.

She tried again. "I feel the conflict in you. It's tearing you apart."

Again, no response. Ben continued to stare straight ahead.

 _Look at me,_ she begged silently.

"Ben." 

At the sound of his birth name, Ben's head jerked towards her. He finally looked at Rey, as if compelled to by some unseen force. Emboldened, Rey spoke again.

"When we touched hands," and here she paused, skin prickling with embarrassment as she remembered all that they had done afterwards.

But Rey had not regretted it then, and she did not now. Last night, they consummated their love, and it had given her hope for a future together.

"I saw your future. Just the shape of it, but solid and clear. You will not bow before Snoke. You will turn." 

Rey dared to step closer, looking deep into his eyes. "I'll help you. I saw it." she whispered.

His nostrils flared. Rey swallowed and took a step back, wondering if she had gone too far.

Suddenly, Ben pulled Rey against him and crashed his lips against hers, his eyes wild. Rey stiffened with shock but gradually melted into the kiss, wishing her hands were free so that she could run them through and trace the harsh line of his jaw.

"You came for me." he said breathlessly. Ben's voice was hoarse with disbelief and wonder.

His hands moved with the same sentiment, hungrily exploring the curves of her body as if he hadn't seen it completely bare the previous night. Rey couldn't complain, as every touch sent a wave of pleasure through her and robbed her of coherent thought.

"Yes." she tried to reply, though it came out as a moan. It was enough, however, to make Ben go completely still, as if he had remembered where they were and what they were doing.

Abruptly, he let go of her and stood back, once again wearing the cruel, indifferent expression that Rey had seen when she had first arrived. Her heart plummeted.

There was silence once more.

At last, Ben spoke again, resuming their previous conversation. "I saw something too." 

Rey felt heat gather in her core again at the mere sound of his voice. She shivered and turned to look at him. To her shock, a slight smirk played on his lips, his eyes alight with savage triumph. 

"Because of what I saw, I know when the moment comes, you'll be the one to turn."

Ben's eyes never left hers. "You'll stand with me."

The doors opened.

* * *

Rey's first thought was that Supreme Leader Snoke was shorter than she had expected.

When she had previously imagined the all powerful Supreme Leader, Rey had rather foolishly envisioned a towering menace made of shadows and glowing with unholy red light.

Instead, Snoke was a withered, disgusting being that sagged on his throne with all the grace of a thala-siren. His throne was flanked with guards in gleaming armour, which only served to emphasise his cracked and oily skin.

He was tall compared to the average human, she supposed, but the imposing effect of this was diminished by the flamboyant, ridiculously spangled gold robe he wore.

"Well done, my good and faithful apprentice. My faith in you is restored." declared Snoke. 

The creature turned his vile gaze to Rey, who lifted her chin even as a revulsion and fear snaked down her spine.

"Young Rey." he called. "Welcome."

"Come closer, child." he ordered. Rey didn't obey. She was _not_ a child. She was a Jedi, apprentice of Luke Skywalker, and she would not be cowed by this sorry excuse for a Supreme Leader.

"So much strength." Snoke mused. "Darkness rises, and light to meet it. I warned my young apprentice that as he grew stronger, his equal in the light would rise."

"How ironic, that it should be the one he spared all those years ago. His childhood... _friend._ "

The final word oozed with lecherous intent, almost making Rey flinch. Snoke knew who she was, and she could only guess how he had obtained the information.

"Closer, I said."

An edge of danger had creeped into Snoke's voice. Still, Rey did not obey.

Snoke's wizened visage grew even uglier in his fury. Rey felt herself being dragged towards him, against her will.

"You underestimate Ben Solo." she said through clenched teeth. Ben needed to know that she had faith in him.

"And me." Rey hoped he had faith in her as well.

"Is that why you came?" asked Snoke, eyes glinting with mirth. "Because of your... _history?"_

Rey fixed him with a blank stare, not giving him the satisfaction of a reaction. She did not dare to look at Ben either.

"Did you believe that you were destined to be together? To bring balance to the force?"

Snoke laughed, the sound nasal and cruel. "Young fool. It was I who bridged your minds."

Behind her, Ben inhaled sharply. So he had not known this either. 

"Your reconciliation was not brought about by the working of the Force, or fate. I engineered it because I knew that it would work to my advantage."

Rey's eyes had filled with hot tears of humiliation, but she clenched her jaw and refused to let them fall. However, Snoke's knowing smirk told her that he was all too aware of the pain his words had caused.

"It has. Just as I predicted. Ben Solo is your downfall."

"And now, you will give me Skywalker."

* * *

Rey's world exploded. She knew nothing but pain. 

Snoke's power was like claws, trying to root out the hidden information, not caring that her mind was being shredded in the process.

When it had finally subsided, Rey comforted herself with the knowledge that she had stayed strong. She not begged for mercy.

She had not pleaded for Ben to save her. Because even though she held love and hope in her heart, a voice in her head whispered that she was on her own now.

Perhaps it spoke the truth.

She could not rely on anyone but herself. Rey reached out and summoned the lightsaber from its place next to the throne. She felt a glowing sense of rightness as it soared towards her, which was swiftly extinguished when Snoke simply called it back towards him.

Rey reached out again, this time summoning Ben's lightsaber from where it lay at his feet. She had no personal connection to it, but she could feel Ben's raw power surging to her fingertips as she ignited it and leaped at Snoke.

Ben made no move to stop her. His lack of action made sense once Snoke sent Rey crashing to the ground with just a lazy wave of his fingers, sending the lightsaber spinning back to Ben.

"And still that fiery spit of hope," chuckled Snoke, a mockery of admiration. "You have the spirit of a true Jedi!"

His voice sharpened. "And because of that, you must die."

Snoke called to Ben, who until now had remained kneeling and silent.

"My worthy apprentice, son of darkness, heir apparent to Lord Vader. Where there was conflict, I now sense resolve. Where there was weakness, strength."

"Complete your training, and fulfill your destiny."

Rey felt herself being spun to face Ben. He approached her, lightsaber in hand.

Every line on his face was taut, his scar more pronounced against the haunted look he wore. Still, darkness and light warred across his features.

He was achingly beautiful, even in agony. And Rey loved him so much that she could almost not fault him for what he was about to do to her.

"I know what I have to do." Ben said quietly, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Ben."

Rey spoke softly, hoping his name would sway him like it had done before. The name of her best friend, who had always protected her.

Snoke sneered. "You think you can turn him? Pathetic child."

"I cannot be betrayed, I cannot be beaten. I see his mind, I see his every intent."

Rey desperately reached through the bond, but was met with an impenetrable wall. Ben had locked her out of his mind.

"I see him turning the lightsaber to strike true."

Desperation and a deep weariness filled Rey. She had failed. She was going to be killed by the only man she had ever loved.

"And now, he ignites it..." 

The red saber crackled to life. Rey felt oddly calm as she braced herself for the killing blow. At least Ben would make it swift.

At least they had spent a single night in each other's arms.

At least she had given him a second chance.

At least they had met again after all those years apart.

At least they were given six years of friendship and happiness.

At least...

"And kills his true enemy!" 

Instead of swinging immediately, Ben moved his gloved fingers in a subtle gesture. The hissing sound of a lightsaber igniting filled the room, along with a choked gasp.

Rey felt the hold on her body release and fell to the ground. She turned to look at the throne. The sight she beheld was a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.

Snoke's hideous face was frozen with shock as he looked down at the lightsaber impaling him. The two halves of his body toppled to the ground as Ben crooked his fingers once more, causing the lightsaber to fly through Snoke's corpse and towards them.

The lightsaber thudded into Rey's open hand, just as hope sparked in her chest once again. 

She had come here expecting to save Ben, and he had saved her.

Their eyes met once again, this time filled with wonder and gratitude. There were so many words that needed to be said, but now was not the time.

They turned and faced the guards together.

* * *

The whole battle was a blur of light and sensation.

Blue and red lightsabers clashing, but this time not against each other.

Ben's thigh, thick and clad with leather, grasped in her hand. His eyes when she beheaded one of their opponents, like he wanted to devour her.

Sparks flying and blood spilling. 

Until finally, it was over. Corpses lay strewn over the previously pristine floor of the throne room, surrounded by flames.

Rey only had eyes for him. Ben, with his normally perfect hair in disarray and his pale skin gleaming with sweat. Again, she was inexplicably struck by his beauty.

She let the lightsaber clatter to the ground. This was the only warning Ben received before Rey launched herself at him and buried her face in his shoulder.

Ben let out a surprised noise and staggered a little, but his arms wrapped around her in turn, his hands previously used for wielding a lightsaber gently tangling in her hair.

They stood there, intertwined, as ashes rained down around them.

But all silences must be broken, and sometimes the battle never ends.

"Come with me." 

The words fell out of Rey's mouth without grace or ceremony. However, she looked up at Ben with beseeching eyes and lips that only trembled slightly. Sensing Ben's confusion at her abrupt plea, Rey continued.

"You could join the Resistance. Your mother wants you back.

"Rey, you know I can't." said Ben carefully. "The First Order-"

"Snoke is dead!" said Rey, gesturing at his mutilated corpse. "You're no longer under his influence."

"Things can be like they were before. You and me, together."

Ben's confusion morphed into pity. "Oh, Rey. You have no idea how much I want that. But we can never go back to the way things were before."

"It's time to let old things die. Snoke, Skywalker. The Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels."

"Rey. I want you to join me. We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy."

His eyes were alight with a sudden fervour, and their passionate gleam sent a wave of terror through Rey. They had been through so much together. And now, the only thing keeping them apart was Ben himself and his thirst for power.

"Don't do this, Ben. Please don't go this way." Rey begged, tears trickling down her cheeks. She was losing him, and she could feel it.

The sight of her tears seemed to agitate Ben further. "You're still holding on! Let go!" 

"Let go of your attachment to _Ben_ and-"

"But you are Ben," interrupted Rey, recoiling. "That's what you told me last night."

His mouth twisted cruelly. "I told you what you wanted to hear. I knew it was the only way for you to love me."

His voice was bitter. "After all, who could ever love a _monster_?"

Rey flinched at hearing her words from the interrogation room thrown back at her. "I do love you. I always have."

"I never stopped, for all those years. Even once I knew who you had become."

Ben softened slightly, and his voice dropped to a vulnerable whisper. "Prove that you love me. Not him."

He held out his hand, mirroring what Rey had done in the hut.

The gleam of his glove was an unbearable temptation. Every fibre of her being yearned to grasp his hand, leather against flesh, two lost souls reaching for each other in the darkness.

He was her best friend. Her first and only love.

But he would only pull her further into the darkness.

"I can't." whispered Rey. "Because it wouldn't be true."

She saw the moment it happened, her words piercing Ben Solo's heart and leaving him to bleed out. Once again betrayed by someone who loved him.

She watched as, through the pain, his heart formed an armour of hurt and anger. A mask to hide these emotions, so that he would never be betrayed again.

Rey looked deep into Kylo Ren's eyes as she lifted her hand, and instead of reaching for his, summoned the lightsaber towards her.

She had made her choice. For him, and for herself.

Before the lightsaber could reach her, it was tugged backwards. Kylo's hand was lifted as well, his face contorted as he struggled to pull the lightsaber towards himself. Their eyes met.

The lightsaber hovered in the air between their straining bodies, without favouring either side. Their powers were evenly matched.

There would always be balance in the Force, no matter who was sacrificed to keep it.

Their mental battle grew more intense, feet sliding and sweat beading. The dull ache in Rey's chest had spread to the rest of her body, but she bared her teeth and pulled harder.

So did Kylo. Their joint screams of exertion filled the air, until the lightsaber glowed a piercing white as if in warning.

Still Rey refused to let go. Sensing her resolve, Kylo did the same. They had always been stubborn, even as children.

It was almost a relief when the lightsaber reached its breaking point. Rey wasn't sure she could withstand another fight. 

With a flash of blinding light, the lightsaber split in two. Broken, perhaps beyond repair.

Just like her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: more stuff about the Resistance + plot changes in the next chapter! Didn't really make sense to put the whole fleet thing here.
> 
> Please don't kill me! It will get better, I promise!
> 
> I'm just so tired... 
> 
> Please comment and kudos :)

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Tumblr](https://slytherclawsith.tumblr.com/)


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